"What IFS?"

Since Simone purchased her ticket to visit her family in California, the heavy cloud of sadness and indecision seems to have left her.  Suddenly she feels alive, and  that life is still worth living.  She is finally acting instead of reacting to her situation.  Yes, she thought about the 'what ifs,' and yes she is afraid, yes she is worried especially about her job, and her finances.  However, her daughter Tess  is  employed as a helper for her company and while Simone is gone, she can handle the few jobs that she will be getting for the month of December. 

She had thought about taking Sadie with her, but decided against it since she would be staying at her son's house and he has 3 small children, and they are not the type of people who are particularly fond of animals. 

Simone's daughter would be taking care of Sadie while she was gone.  Her only worry about  that was if she happened to go into heat while Simone was away.   She was not really sure she wanted to do the puppy thing again, but she really did not want to get her spayed and then leave her for a month or  maybe more. 

Everyday, more 'what if's' arise, but Simone is bent upon seeing her grand kids.  In photo's she has seen their sad eyes and hollow expressions, it has brought her to tears on several occasions.  Just yesterday, her granddaughter had sent her an email saying that the reason her mom passed out at work, was because she has a 'cyst' on her brain.  Simone found this very alarming.  It seems they have known about the cyst for a long time, and this was not the first time she had passed out.  Simone thought about her now ex daughter in law driving in that condition, with the kids in the car, or even by herself.  "What if she passed out then?"

Today, Simone's son William was here in town, visiting his new girlfriend Shelly, who is Simone's ex-husband's wife's niece.  To Simone it all seems so complicated,  but she tries hard not to get involved or express her opinion.  Simone's son seems happy, and is  totally smitten by this woman.  He is even thinking of moving here to be with her.  The thought of him leaving his children in California makes Simone feel very sad.  In some ways, it feels like history repeating itself, for that is exactly what his own dad did to us. 

Simone does not see much of her son while he is here, as he spends most of time with Shelley, his dad, and his dad's wife's side of the family.  Simone is pained by this, but tries hard not to let it bother her.  Unfortunately it does bother her, a lot.

William will be back in California for Thanksgiving.  She will spend time with him then, and he will have all of his children during that time.  Simone has been praying her heart out in regard to the situation, but hardly knows what to pray for except that "Gods will be done and that God will keep and protect her grandchildren".    She has been going to the weekly Bible Study, and has recently started reading the "Purpose Driven Life" again.  She thinks her struggle with Chapter 15 is over.  (Formed for God's Family).

This morning, the guy from the lake called her again.  She did not answer.  "He certainly is persistent" she thinks, and she actually wonders what it is  he sees in her.  This lies, heavy upon her mind, and she thinks she should call him back, if not, just to explain that she just has too much going on right now.

Simone has a bad cold and an eye infection.  It seems she is going to have to spend her day in the Medi Center waiting room.  She thinks she will take the book she is reading "Pillars of the Earth" with her, since she has not been able to put it down, and stays up until all hours of the night reading and coughing.  She has been having a hard time sleeping.  The book keeps her mind off things, and she usually reads until she nods off. 

Lately, she has been having the strangest dreams.....