Oh, Just Another Little Disappointment

Simone thought the new Nissan Sentra suited her, and when she drove it she felt a sense of pride and ease.  After all it was automatic, and she had no shifting and clutching to do, which was something she had decided caused her right knee to ache, especially when she had to drive long distances. 

"Doesn't God see how happy I am driving this car?" she thought, as she turned into the Car Rental lot.  Today, she was returning the Sentra and picking up her old car.  It was still early and dark outside and rain was pouring down, the windshield wipers keeping time with the music playing on the radio.  A sense of sadness overcame her, and silently she prayed.  "Thankyou God, for the time I had driving this car, and even though I don't understand, it has been a good experience, and I know in my heart there is a purpose for all things". 

Simone gathered her belongings from the car, and handed over the keys, surprised by the numbness she felt and the fake smile on her face, she complimented the employee, "Thanks, it was a pleasure driving that car".  "Yes" smiled the woman behind the counter and computer "everyone seems to like those cars, and they are also very good on gas".  Simone nodded her head in agreement. 

Within moments it seemed she was shuttled to the Autobody shop and to her old car.  The rain was still pouring down, and she thought about her windshield wipers that needed to be replaced, and her long drive she had that morning.  "Great" she sighed "Just Great".  Then she remembered she was trying to be thankful for all things.  "Thanks God", she said with a bit of sarcasm in her voice.  "Really God, I am honestly not happy about this, but I am thankful for a car to drive, even if it is this old rattletrap that sure does not have that new car smell!"  She wasn't fooling anyone, Simone was disappointed, but then, disappointment had become so familiar to her that she hardly even noticed it.   "Onward Forward" she whispered under her breath. 

Simone is not sure of the reason, but for days now she has not picked up "Purpose Driven Life", and she has no desire to read her bible,  or go to church.  She wonders if she is angry at God, she wonders if she is truly thankful, and she is sure her prayers are  just words, that she thinks God would want to hear.  Her heart feels cold, and at times she even doubts  the existence of God.  She feels no love for him, or for herself, let alone real love for anyone else.  She is still so empty.

Driving me Crazy!!!!

After trying everything she could think of to 'draw near to God' Simone decided to stop.  She almost thought of discontinuing the reading of the Purpose Driven Life but for some strange reason she was compelled to continue, much to her chagrin.  She had also given up on the idea of purchasing a new car, and for now her dream of moving has been put on hold too. 

She told God that she wasn't happy about 'letting go' of her plan, but somewhere deep within her heart, she was sure He had a better one.  However, it seemed to her, he wasn't exactly being a very good friend in not telling her what was going on.  Simone despises, being left in the dark about what is happening around her, it is her number one pet peeve.  She is convinced God really knows how to push her buttons but she is well aware that all of her annoyance at Him, is not going to make Him budge.  "After all," she sighs "God will move in His own sweet time". 

This is the thing!  Right now, this moment, there is a brand spanking new, shiny silver, Nissan Sentra, sitting in her driveway, and Simone has the keys, and all she can think of, is how God is teasing her.  Why would he allow her to drive a car such as this, but not allow her to buy one of her own?  It is a rental for goodness sakes, which is being paid for by her insurance company, a perk she was not expecting,  In a few days she will have her old car back, without the damage to the front end. 

"Whoopee Do" she thinks to herself, "I don't really want the old car back, I want a new one like the rental!" and she feels like stomping her feet and having a tantrum, but she doesn't.  Instead, she tries to understand, and honestly thinks she has to be missing something.  "I just don't get it!" she says to herself.  "Just when I resign myself to letting go of wanting a new car, you put me in the drivers seat?"  "Ugggggh!"

Simone is just a little confused, and wonders if anyone out there knows what is going on?

Chapter Fourteen/ When God is Distant

The Lord has hidden himself from his people,

but I trust him and place my hope in him.  Isaiah 8:17

Just a short while ago Simone was having a glorious Sunday afternoon nap, and was marvelling at how warm and cozy she felt, with the wind blowing wildly outside her window, a cool breeze wafting into the room and a rain pouring down, just a few feet away from her safe, warm haven.  She had been to church today, she had been on a long walk with her dog Sadie early that morning;  and she had just sat in a restaurant alone eating breakfast.  When she returned home, all she wanted to do was nap.  It felt as if all her energy had been sapped, and she felt exhausted.  There was absolutely nothing she wanted to do but sleep. 

Then, energized from her nap Simone put on her warm red fleece jacket, a hat, her walking runners, her ipod,  and headed out the door for another long walk with her little dogSadie.  She was sure this was good for both of them, and besides she had lots to think about after church, plus, she was still trying to conjure up a friendship with God, and thought he must be out there in the rain, because she certainly could not find him at church this morning. 

As Simone walked, she felt the rain on her skin, and could smell and feel the fresh cool air blowing all around her.  She was walking at a quick pace, so she was warm.  The sky was dark and gray, and she and Sadie were alone on the wet pathway.  As she walked along, a song popped into her head, and she began to sing it as she walked.  It seemed so fitting, for the moment, and Simone felt a tinge of happiness rise up in her and a smile formed upon her lips.  Suddenly she felt alive, more alive than she had felt in months, and yes, she was actually singing in the rain, and everything in her little world was ok, at least for the time being. 

Simone thought about last Friday, when she had met her friend Katherine for lunch, and how surprised she was when she saw her.  Kate  looked so good, so put together, so happy and content.  "You look wonderful!" she told her friend as she hugged her.  "What is going on with you?"  Kate was wearing a skirt, high boots, a stylish jacket and her hair was shiny and done, she was even wearing makeup, and she was smiling from ear to ear. She had also lost a lot of weight in the  month since they had seen one another.  

 "I broke through the wall!" she exclaimed "I am on the other side!"  "Well I want what you have", Simone smiled "Help me break through that wall!"  "I can't help you, you have to want it and get there yourself, no one can do it for you" Kate explained as she opened her Victoria Secret shopping bag, and showed Simone her purchase.  Then over lunch, Kate, told Simone, that she had been walking every morning, and thinking of food as fuel, and she had been doing little things to make herself happy.  She was also planning on taking some online courses and she was planning on changing careers.  Simone smiled "Well, It is sure working!, how is Wayner taking it?"  "He isn't liking it at all, I think he is a bit threatened by the change" she said sadly.  "But really, I am just being me, Simone, I have to be me, and you need to be you.  Stop being afraid to be yourself , start living authentically."

As Simone walked and sang, she thought about Katherine and the things she had told her, and how everything she had said resonated with her.  In fact, it was the reason she was out here on the path on this cold and rainy day, why she had her special little Sunday afternoon nap, and why, she wanted to hurry home to write and blog about it all.  "Maybe" she thought "God speaks through friends like Kate, just maybe, he really isn't as distant as she thinks? Maybe, he wants her to be happy?" 

Chapter 13 / Worship that Pleases God?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart

and with all your soul and with all your mind

and with all your strength.

Mark 12:30 NIV

The long awaited phone call finally arrived.  It had been over a week, and Simone had called the Car Dealership several times, only to get the finance manager's voice mail.  In her heart, she already knew that the news was not going to be good, but she had been praying and seeking God, and preparing herself for this very moment.  She knew she was not going to get the vehicle, at least not at the interest rate she had budgeted for, and she was right, and for some reason, it was ok, everything was going to be ok, despite the fact she was not going to get what she wanted.  She told the finance manager she would get back to him on her decision.

After the call ended she whispered under her breath "what now God?"  She half expected an answer, but then began to remember her "God Car", and how God had once surprised her with a car that far surpassed her expectations, but then she thought, "that was long ago, when she walked closely with God, and believed in his goodness".  So much water had passed under the bridge since then, taking her further and further away from her faith, and her relationship and trust in a good and loving God. 

"How", she thought, "could she love him with all her heart when her heart had been broken and shattered into a million little pieces, when her soul was lost, and her mind depressed and she had absolutely no energy or motivation, or passion for anything? How? How God?"  she whispered. Simone was being honest, this was how she felt, this was what she believed, this was all she had, and something deep inside her kept saying  "Give your brokenness to me, I will show you the way, I will give you hope and passion for living, trust me."

Tears streamed down Simone's cheeks, and on the surface it may have seemed as though she was crying because she did not get the car, but in fact, the tears were something far deeper, her heart, soul, and mind was crying out to God, she wanted so desperately to trust him, to believe in him, to love him, like she once did.  "God," she spoke audibly now, "Help me believe, please? I want to love you, I want so desperately to love again, and trust again, and to have passion and strength in my life once more." 

In that moment, she felt as if someone, or something had put their arms around her, and comforted her, she wiped away her tears and continued on, after all, she had a full day worth of work to do.  She decided she was going to keep on putting one foot in front of the other, keep going, and she was going to love God, with all the strength she had, even if it was not much.  Simone felt nothing more than as sense of calm, but that was better than anything else she had been feeling in a very long time.

Point to Ponder

God wants all of me.

Question to Consider

Which is more pleasing to God right now--my public worship or my private worship?  What am I going to do about it? 

I  think that God can handle my honesty, and He can heal and change my heart.  I am going to try to love him with my broken and shattered heart, my lost soul, my depressed mind, and with the little bit of strength that I have right now.  That is all I have, that is all I can do.  I am going to try and be grateful for all things. 

Chapter Twelve - Developing your Friendship with God?

"Draw close to God and God will draw close to you"  James 4:8

As Simone walked slowly through the damp grass , to the picnic table overlooking  the river, she thought about God, and how in this very favorite and familiar spot, she was going to try drawing close to Him.  The air was crisp and cool, and the tiny six week old puppy she carried shivered, so she tucked him under her red fleece jacket.  Sadie, the puppies mother, ran on ahead, sniffing the ground, and taking in all the wondrous smells and sounds of the fall morning.  It made her smile to watch Sadie, it seemed that everything this precious little white dog did warmed her heart. 

Upon arriving at her special location, she set the puppy down, and watched as it romped through the grass toward it's mother.  Sadie ducked and dodged and ran circles around the newly weaned pup, whose only concern was to be nursed.  Simone smiled as she watched for several moments the antics of mother and son, but then she turned her thoughts away to look at the the stagnant river, the trees that not long ago had been lush and green, that were now yellow and orange, and the expanse of still green grass that surrounded her.  In silence she watched a person jogging on the path, and turn the corner.  She was alone, no one was within earshot, and she felt safe to pour out her heart to God. 

Simone  spoke audibly,  and Sadie perked her ears to listen, but  then  laid down and gave into her puppy's wishes.  The the sound of geese flying overhead made her stop talking and she looked up.  "They were leaving", she thought to herself,  and as  sadness overwhelmed her she asked God why she had to stay in this God forsaken place, yet another winter?  Why could she not just be set free to follow her dreams?  What was the purpose for her being here?  She went on and on.

Her sadness overwhelmed her, and soon tears were streaming down her face.  "Oh God" she sobbed "Please help me understand, please!"  She was pleading now, and Sadie came and sat close to her, looking up with her head cocked to one side.   Simone smiled and patted her on the head, and as Sadie licked her hand,  Simone felt as if she were saying, "everything is going to be ok".  Then Simone murmured to Sadie.  "If only God was as good a friend as you are, ". 

The puppy then began nibbling at Simone's toes, so she whisked him up, and looked him in the eyes and gave him a kiss on his cute little black nose.  "It is time to go" she thought, as she put him back down, and walked back to her car, mom and pup following at her heels. 

"Everything is going to be ok" she thought, as she started the engine in her old car and continued on with her day.  "Too bad God couldn't have told me that" she thought,  then she thought again "or maybe he did"?  She smiled at Sadie, and said out loud.  "After all, DOG is GOD spelled backwards".

Is God the Friendly Giant?

Chapter Eleven in the Purpose Driven Life says God wants to be my Best Friend. Wow!


Since we were restored to friendship with God by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be delivered from eternal punishment by his life." Romans 5:10

That is shocking. I guess he wants to have a relationship with me like he had with Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. I hear Moses and Abraham were his buddies too, and David was a man after God's own heart. Also Job, Enoch and Noah were good friends. But that is Old Testament stuff. Besides, how does one be a friend of God?

Quite frankly, I am a bit overwhelmed with this thought. I imagine this really big bright guy standing over me saying "wanna be my friend" ? There I am looking up, looking way up, and feeling very intimidated and too afraid to say "no, you scare the crap out of me", so I weakly say "ok" and try to run off, but he picks me up in his really big hand and lets out a loud, deafening laugh of joy. I cringe, and fear overwhelms me. All I can say is "please be gentle with me". The big guy then pats my little head, and sets me down on the ground. I stare up at him, and wonder "what is going to happen next." Then, he gets down on the ground, all the way down so his nose is nearly touching mine, and he says, "talk to me, tell me what's on your heart". I am dumbfounded and speechless, but then the words come out. "God, I am afraid to live, I am afraid of life, I am afraid of what is going to happen next, I am afraid of you, and I don't know what you want from me.  I am also upset that I don't have the things and relationships other people do, I am angry I am alone, and I am angry I am here, and life didn't turn out better for me...why do I have to struggle so much?"

Day 10 / The Heart of Worship? Surrender?

Now I know why the last time I started working through "Purpose Driven Life", I did not get past Chapter 8.  I am really struggling with Chapter Ten.  I have been pondering on it for several days, and for several days I have also been waiting to hear back from the finance company about whether or not I have been approved for the SUV I test drove on Sunday.  Why is it taking so long? 

I called and found out the Finance Manager has been sick. Hmmmmm.  You would think a company like Toyota would have more than one guy doing loans.  Anyway, this is what I am told, but meanwhile my stress levels have been going through the ceiling. 

What on Earth and in Heaven is going on? 

Chapter Ten is about Surrender, and it begins with this verse:

"Give yourselves to God...
Surrender your whole being to him
to be used for righteous purposes."
                                                       Romans 6:13

The heart of worship is surrender, and the question to consider at the end of the chapter is "What area of my life am I holding back from God"?  I have been pondering this question for days, and one area keeps coming up and it is something "I don't want to surrender". 

Right now, I am debating with myself, whether or not I even want to admit it, to you, to myself, or to God.  However I am compelled to write about that which I have been holding in my heart for years, and can not let go of, nor, do I want to surrender.  Perhaps if I put it out there in the light, I can finally 'let it go'.

I have a plan...part of my plan includes buying a vehicle that can pull a little trailer.  So, getting this vehicle means getting one step closer to my goal, of moving back to California, and I want to do this by April of 2011.  I have purchased a California Real Estate licence course, and intend on getting my California Real Estate licence before I move back.  I have also been trying to save money.  There are several reasons why I want to move back, but at this point, the reasons, are not the issue.

So far, I have had absolutely no interest in actually doing the Real Estate Course, (no concentration) and I have not been able to save a dime.  It just seems like one thing after another keeps coming up.  Now, my chances of getting a new vehicle are looking dim too.  I want this so much, because I just hate my life where I am living.

Today I am thinking that my plan, may not be God's plan for my life, and I need to 'let it go', 'surrender it to God' and see what happens.  I am honestly not sure if I can really surrender escaping this place, but, I am willing to try.  I need God's help.

What Makes God Smile? Does God like Roses?

Maybe God smiles because my life is a JOKE?  I am kidding, because I don't honestly believe God is like that, or that God would laugh at my situation.  However, maybe I should begin laughing at my situation, instead of taking things so seriously. 

Recently, I felt like I was watching way too much TV, and it was getting in the way of other things I need to be doing like studying, like reading, like excersising, like writing, or praying or any number of things that would be more healthy and wise to do.   Now, I sublet my apartment and the owner lives upstairs.  He has been getting free cable for over five years now, and so, I have been getting that as a bonus for free.   Well just recently, it got cut off, so, to make a long story short, I am without TV, unless I want to subcribe myself and pay for it.  Now, I find that a bit interesting, could it be a coincidence?

Actually, so far, I am not minding not  having TV.  I do have internet, and I can watch a lot of things on my computer, but so far, I have just been sleeping more.  I suppose that is good, since I am so tired and lack energy.  That isn't working though, because, the more sleep I get, the more sleep I want. 

Yesterday, I decided, I must be a weed, and for some strange reason, I was content with that, and it seemed to take a lot of pressure off of me.  After all, God can't expect much from a little ol' weed, now could he?  It took so much pressure off me, that I felt light and airy.  I got dressed and went to church for the 11 a.m. service, but, due to summer hours (I have not been going all summer) there had been only one service and it ended at that time.  Well so much for lifting my little petals and praising God!

Since it was Sunday, and I was all dressed up with no place to go, I decided I would go look at cars, cheaper cars, one that might be suitable for a WEED.  I found a suitable car, and took it for a test drive, to my daughters house.  She took one look at it and said "No Mom, that is just not suitable", so without asking any other questions, because I already knew what she was thinking, I took it back and test drove another vehicle, a little less in value than the one a Great Oak would drive.  The car salesmen told me to take it as long as I wanted, so I picked up my grandaughter, and we sped around for more than an hour, listening to music, and enjoying the heated seats and air conditioning all at the same time.  I was really enjoying her company, the vehicle, and I was beginning to feel more like a ROSE.  It was a good feeling. 

Does God like Roses?  Do they make him smile?  So now I am wondering, if it is my own feelings of self worth, that are keeping me from enjoying my life, and turning my back on my own needs?  Am I loving myself less than what God loves me?  Is it me who is selling myself short?  Sitting in my comfort zone, thinking I am a weed, and not worthy of being loved, or having a few luxuries in life?  God knows that I need a new car, a safer car, one that is going to hold the road in the winter, and will be reliable due to the fact that I do travel around a lot in my car.  It would be nice to spoil myself a little, after all no one else is doing it.  But then I worry, about all the if's, and I get so sad just thinking about them.  It makes me afraid, and fear rises in my throat and chokes out my happiness, my contentment, my self love and my self worth.  Am I being silly?  Maybe God has a Purpose in me having a new car?  Maybe He knows something I don't, but one thing I do know, is this car idea, will not leave me alone.  It is in my head, and I am compelled.  Compelled by God?  Compelled by my own selfish desires?  What is compelling me?  I am not completely sure, but, I do have a desire to please God, and I can honestly say with all my heart this morning "Let Thine Will Be Done". 

Day 9

May the Lord Smile on you.

Numbers 6:25

Smile on me your Servant, teach me the right way to live.

Pslam 119:135

This chapter says that making God smile is the goal of my life, and my most important task is to discover how to do that.  Now, that is a task and a half!

In my heart I know I would please God by trusting him with knowing what is best for my life.

POINT TO PONDER

God smiles when I trust him.

VERSE TO REMEMBER

"The Lord is pleased with those who worship him and trust his love"

Psalm 147:11

QUESTION TO CONSIDER

Since God knows what is best, in what area's of my life do I need to trust him most?

Today I would say the area that I need to trust him most in, is in my finances, I can honestly say, I do not trust God in this area of my life at all!  Could this be in fact a test in Trust?

Planned for God's Pleasure? Who Me?

It Sunday morning.  I am up early because I slept so much yesterday, and laid around and did nothing other than to do an hour or so of cleaning, and some laundry.  I am so bored, and unhappy with myself and my life.  I am living in my head. 

I went out for a walk yesterday, but it seemed as soon as I did, the sun faded and it got cold, cloudy and rainy.  The wierd thing was, all I noticed were blue vehicles.  The reason for this is probably because the car salesment told me the vehicle he had in mind for me is blue.  It is my favorite color, but I am not so sure I want a blue SUV. 

The only thing I saw of God's Glory, were three geese flying south, honking happily as they escaped this place.  Even the geese are smart enough to get out of here before winter starts.  Ugh! Winter.  I just have to stay in the moment, thank God it is not here yet.

I am on Day 8 of the Purpose Driven Life, and I am amazed at how none of this seems to be penetrating my hard heart.  Mostly, I am feeling angry at God, not that it is doing me any good at all.  I can also feel myself digging in my heels, and I have an urge to throw this book across the room.  I won't though, because I am thinking God is my only hope, somewhere deep inside, I still am believing He can change my heart.

So, Purpose #1 says I was planned for God's pleasure, and I should worship him. 

For God has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.  Isaiah 61:3

He must be thinking of someone else, because I sure do not feel like a strong and graceful oak, I feel like a weed, a scrawny weed, being tossed in the wind, without any strength at all.  Now, how is that glorifying God, there is nothing about me that is glorifying God. 

However, I think, God did create the weeds too.  Perhaps I can be a pretty flowering weed.  Sometimes they are nice to look at, even if they are an UNLOVED FLOWER.   If there is a way I can glorify God, just as I am, I can do that, I just can not be something I am not, unless God changes me.  It is too much work to be an Oak, it just is not natural for a weed.

Ok, God, do what you will with me, a weed, enjoy me if you like, or pull me and toss me away.  It's your call.  I will stay here, blowing in the wind, the cold, rainy wind, because that is what I do.  And as I am blowing around, I will raise my arms and worship you.  I can do that much.  Not sure my heart is in it, mostly because I can't accept being a weed, but hey, I can fake it until I make it.  For today God, that is all I can give. 

Point to Ponder: 
I was planned for God's Pleasure
Verse to Remember:
"The Lord takes Pleasure in his people"  Psalm 149:4
Question to Consider:
What common task could I start doing as if I were doing it directly for Jesus?

The Weed is an Unloved Flower, I will raise my petals in praise, anyway.  I can do that much. 

The Reason For Everything? Everything?

Everything comes from God alone.

Everything lives by his power, and

Everything is for his glory.

Romans 11: 36

The Lord has made everything for his own purpose.

Proverbs 16:4

So, it is God's fault! 
I suppose I could be angry with Him, but today I am feeling angry and sorry for myself, and I have withdrawn from life, or rather, withdrawn from my 'lack of life', that would be a better statement. 

It is Saturday morning, and I am back at square one, with no ENERGY, feeling lonely, and I have a huge headache, because I drank too much wine last night.  I drank it all by myself, thinking it would dull the pain of rejection, that I am feeling.  It didn't work, and now I feel terrible.  Note to self:  Wine does not work! 

I am not feeling rejected because of the vehicle, I am feeling rejected because I am super sensitive and felt like I wasn't invited to go out last night to an event, that my entire family was attending.  My kids wanted to go with their friends and wanted me to drive there by myself.  So, I didn't go at all.  Instead, I stayed home and felt sorry for myself.  That does not work either. 

Today, I am supposed to go back to the car dealership and look at another vehicle that is the same year as the one I wanted to buy but has almost double the mileage, is a V6 and not a V8, no sun roof, etc. etc. and it is approximately 5 K cheaper.  It will be closer to being within my budget, but I am not at all excited about it, and I do not feel like dealing with car salesmen today.  So, I don't plan on going.

Perhaps I need to get out into God's glory, as it is a beautiful warm fall day, and the sun is shining. 

Day 7

I don't know how to glorify God.  That is what this Chapter is about.  I feel like my life is such a mess, and there is nothing glorified about it.  I have no Energy.  I don't even know if I want to glorify God, it all seems like too much work.  God help me, I pray.

Point to Ponder:
It is all for Him.

Verse to Remember:
"For everything comes from God alone.  Everything lives by his power, and everything is for his glory." Romans 11:36

Question to Consider:
Where in my daily routine can I become more aware of God's Glory?

I don't know.  God show me your glory!

Life is a Temporary Assignment? I am an Ambassador in a Foreign Land?

An Ambassador for what?  Heaven?

It is Friday, I think Day Six, although I don't even have the ENERGY, nor do I even really want to continue.  I am feeling totally defeated, sad, and quite honestly a bit depressed.  I feel worthless.  It is silly but I think all these emotions are rising up because:  I did get approved for the vehicle, however, due to my lack of credit, they want me to pay a high interest rate, and they want me to put down $1000.00.  This will put my payments way too high, and quite frankly I don't have any money right now to put down.  However, I did get an increase of exactly that amount on one of my credit cards this week and I could see it as a sign and take that cash and put it down.  I could even trick myself into thinking this is a sign to go ahead and do the deal.  After all I am supposed to believe there will always be enough...right? 

I am in an indecision mode, and it seems when I am in this mode, I feel this way.  So, I decided I needed to decide and I said NO to the deal.  But now...I feel even worse.  I have no peace, and I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head and forget about this crazy world.  Also, I did not work much this week, there were only a few hours, and now Monday is a holiday, and my pay check was much less than I expected.  I am feeling very low.  I suppose I should read my chapter in The Purpose Driven Life, maybe something in that will cheer me up.  I sure hope so.

Day Six - Life is a Temporary Assignment

After reading the chapter, I am feeling a little better, at least the heaviness I am feeling has lifted. 

Point to Ponder:  This world is not my home.
Verse to Remember:  "So we fix  our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:18
Question to Consider:  How should the fact that life on earth is just a temporary assignment change the way I am living right now?

Well first of all, I am thinking that what is seen, is this new vehicle, that is definitely a temporary item of this world.  I need to take my focus off of that and have faith (faith is unseen and eternal).  I should keep my eyes focused upon what God has for me, perhaps He even has something better for me, a better deal, yes, I am sure God has a much better deal.  I am trusting.  This is a test, although I honestly don't know what the test is.  Perhaps a test in materialism, a test on trust.  I need to "let go, and let God".  This, is just a temporary assignment...I have so much to learn.

Funny, there is still part of me that is saying, go ahead and do it, get the vehicle, trust God for the money, use credit for the $1000.00 down, trust God for your income to increase so you can afford it.  But deep in my heart I know that is foolishness.  In the past, I may have tricked myself into this foolish thinking...or is it that I am now too cynical? 

Either way, I am taking my focus off of this, and putting faith and trust in the process and in God.  He knows what I need for this temporary assignment.  Ugh!  I don't feel at all qualified to be an Ambassador for God.  God help me please.

Seeing Life From God's View? Taking a Big Risk!!!?

We don't see things as they are,

we see them as we are.

Anais Nin

What is your life?

James 4:14b (NIV)

                                  

Day Five

I am on day five now of the "Purpose Driven Life", and I know, I started this journey more than 5 days ago, but some days are just harder to get through than others.  The last few days have been very difficult, but I did take a risk.  It might be that I have bit off more than I can chew, but hey, if I am going to TRUST a little, I might just as well TRUST a lot.  I did get my blood pumping too.

Yesterday morning, after writing my blog, I asked myself the question.  "What one thing do you feel you should do, that you have not done because of fear?"  Well, for me, that answer was easy.  I need a new vehicle, but I have been too afraid to even go look.  So, on my way to work, I stopped in at the Used Ford Dealership.  I got out of my car and started looking at vehicles on the lot, knowing full well, within moments a salesman would spot me and I would be talked into buying something I didn't want.  I prayed that God would lead me, I prayed hard, because car salesmen scare the crap out of me, and all of my life Salespeople have "seen me coming".  I have been taken before, many times...no wonder I have friggin' TRUST ISSUES!

Anyway, the guy who greeted me was a nice young man, who did not seem pushy at all.  I felt a bit more comfortable, and decided I liked one of the vehicles on the lot, and it seemed as if it were in my price range.  I asked if I could take it for a spin, and he handed me the keys and off I went by myself.  I drove to my daughters house, and she sped around with me for awhile.  She liked the vehicle too, and thought it was a really good deal.  So, back I went to the dealership and sat down with this young man.  He showed me information on it, told me how much the payments might be, and then asked me if I was interested in buying it. 

Well, I know for sure, between me and my daughter, we have no clue about the value of cars, so I decided I would tell a white lie, and I told the nice young man that I had left my ID in my car, and I needed to go get it.  When I got to my car, I  called  my friend, whose husband, is a real wheeler dealer, and I also called my son.  When I told my wheeler dealer friends husband what the mileage was and all the particulars, he advised me not to buy the car, and my son, showed up at the dealership within minutes, like a knight in shining armor coming to my rescue. 

He, whisked me off to another dealership, and showed me something better, for less money.  Oh I tell you, by this time my pulse was racing, and I had the biggest headache.  However, none of this gave me ENERGY, it just made me want to run home and take a nap.  Yes, I wanted to RUN, RUN, RUN!!! I had totally lost interest in buying anything, and my head was spinning, and I actually felt like I was going to be sick.  In the middle of everything, I said "STOP!  I need to sleep on this".  Things were happening way too fast.  My son looked at me like I had lost my mind, because he thought this was the "deal of a lifetime".   My son told this new car salesman, that I would be back in the morning.  God knows, I have to work in the morning!

I didn't sleep last night.   Not a wink.

This morning, the only ENERGY I had was agitation!  Fear was stuck in my throat, and I was beating myself up like crazy with my thoughts.  I was a mess, and quite frankly I was shocked at what was happening to me over buying a stupid car.  What I wonder was causing all this emotion?

So, I started reading Chapter Five of my book...and it started off like this...

The way you see your life shapes your life.  How you define life determines your destiny.  Now I asked myself the question:   How do you see your life?  The only thing I could think of was FEARFUL!!!!  Yes, this morning it was as plain as the nose on my face.  I am afraid to live.  I am afraid of life.  Life is really frightening to me.  This I am 'afraid' is my LIFE METAPHOR, however, my life has not always been like this.  When I was younger, I was afraid of nothing.  I can honestly say, I don't like the realization that fear is shaping my life, and today, I, with the help of God am determined to change this.

The book went on to say that 'life is a test and a trust', and something within me became acutely aware that what I was going through was a TEST, and I needed to TRUST, just a little.  So, to make a long story short, I did go back to the dealership today, but not after calling my 'wheeler dealer' friend and praying to God for direction.  "Yes" said my wheeler dealer "That's a good deal", and after praying I got some peace.  Now, I am just waiting to hear back from the bank.  I may not get approved for the credit, but strange as it may seem, I don't really care.  I think pushing past the fear was the test for today.  I think I passed.

Oh My God!  This all happened so darned fast!  My pulse is pumping and I have found some ENERGY!  I am actually a bit excited.  It has been a long time since I felt excited about anything. 

Point to Ponder: 
Life is a test and a trust.
Verse to Remember: 
"Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won't be faithful in large ones"  Luke 16:10a
Question to Consider: 
What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? 

hmmmmm...