Change of Plans

Ever since Saturday Simone has been feeling achy and cold.  She is not sure whether it is the flu or the repercussions from jumping into icy water to save Sadie.  Either way, Simone has not been feeling good, and her cough and headache have been getting worse.  She has been sleeping a lot and trying to get better.  The only time she leaves the house is to go to work, which, she has to do.  No work, no pay.

Anyway, on Monday night about 11 p.m. Simone's upstairs neighbor, and landlord, put a note under the door asking for access to her suite so he could put some of his things from his garage in the crawlspace.   Now, when Simone rented the apartment, the crawlspace was to be hers, and it had also included cable TV and phone.  Recently, cable was disconnected, he never supplied a phone because he could not find the wires in the wall, and now he wanted to use the crawlspace, which was in fact, inside her closet!!

Simone was upset, mostly because she was sick, and did not want the hassle, and honestly, she did not want him putting his things in there, mostly because he would be bothering her on a regular basis to get at the stuff in there.  Plus, the stuff in the garage was sure to have mice. 

Simone told him no, explained she was sick, and that perhaps they could do it another day.  He said "ok", but then the next morning he called her for access.  Simone, mentioned the cable TV, the phone, and the fact that the crawlspace was her space, she was tired of being a doormat, and her landlord flipped out and told her she had to move.  Simone was shocked, she had not expected that.  He told her January 1.  Simone does not know what she is going to do.

When she got home from work, Simone had a note under the door, advising her she had to move no later than December 18.  Simone has a one way ticket to California leaving next Tuesday November 23, and had planned on staying for Christmas.  It seems there is a big change of plans.  Perhaps, she needs to move out before she goes to California?

Simone called her daughter, her daughter told her she could move in with her.  Perhaps God, or the Universe is making decisions for Simone, that she would not normally make herself.  OMG

Thin Ice

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On Saturday afternoon, Simone took Sadie to the dog park for a walk.  It was drizzling rain, it was cold, and the sun was hardly visible in the dark and cloudy sky.  As Simone walked, she was talking on her cell phone.  Her sister  wanted to know why Simone had not showed up for their exercise date on Wednesday.  Simone told her about how tired she has been, and her sister started telling her that she is now feeling better since she began taking Vitamin D. 

Their conversation was cut short when Simone looked around and could not see Sadie.  She had suddenly disappeared, and Simone went into panic mode.  She told her sister she would call her back and began seriously looking for her precious little white dog, who seemed to have vanished!

"Sadie!" she started shouting, and as she walked along she asked everyone if they had seen a little white dog.  No one had.  Simone thought she may have run back to the car, but when she got there, no Sadie.  Simone was getting very concerned now.  She stopped to say a short prayer for God's help.  Simone could not lose her precious pup.  Not now!

Simone heard a dog barking, actually there were probably 40 dogs barking in the park, but she could pick out Sadie's.  Simone ran back to the last place she had seen Sadie, and listened.  She heard her dog, but she could not see her.  "Sadie!  Sadie! she called, and then a little white head popped up from the lake that was frozen over.  Without thinking. and without regard for her own safety,  Simone jumped in the water up to her waist to save Sadie from going under the ice, and pulled her by her collar towards the steep bank.  Then lifted her out of the icy water.

Muddy and cold, Simone carried her shivering dog to the car, then wrapped her in a blanket  and turned up the heat as high as it could go.  She held Sadie tight.  Sadie licked her face, and her tears as they fell.  Simone was so grateful that she had found Sadie.  "Thank you God" she whispered.

Simone was very cold, and shaken to the core.  When Simone and Sadie got home.  Simone turned off her phone, changed the sheets on the bed.  Gave Sadie a hot bath, turned up the heat in the house.  Had a hot bath herself, and after two glasses of wine to calm her nerves, she and Sadie fell asleep.  They slept until Sunday morning, just in time for church.  "Why" Simone thought, "was she so tired and feeling so sad?" 
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Changes

Life's Healing Choice # 5 is Changes (The Transformation Choice)

I voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.

Seven Steps to lasting change:

1.  Focus on changing one defect at a time.
2.  Focus on victory one day at a time.
3.  Focus on God's power, not your will power.
4.  Focus on the good things, not the bad.
5.  Focus on doing good, not feeling good.
6.  Focus on people who help, not hinder you.
7.  Focus on progress, not perfection. 

Simone is feeling God moving in her life and she knows she has a lot of character defects to overcome. 

Search me, O God, and know my heart:  test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23

Simone has been fighting tooth and nail, not to allow depression to overcome her.  Today she admits this is a character defect she is powerless to overcome it on her own.  Simone is praying for God to remove this defect from her.  This is the thing she knows is in the way of her relationship with God, and with others.  Simone is actually deeply depressed, more depressed than she has ever been in her life.  "God, I see this character defect and I humbly ask you to remove it".  she prays hoping God will.

The Golden Chrysalis

  Simone can feel something within her about to erupt.  She feels she must write about the past, and the present,  to allow her future to unfold  into the "Beautiful Butterfly" it is to become.  Life and Blessings have been waiting inside her chrysalis of gold.  Simone knows she will have to 'struggle' to free herself from it. 

Thinking about her old diary and journals, about Noel, and her brother Dave with adult eyes, has allowed a certain amount of healing and forgiveness.  Simone realizes that her brother was the way he was, because of his own past of being bullied by their older brother James, and because of the abuse he too suffered at the hands of their father. 

Simone remembered a time when she found Dave hiding under his bed, shaking with fear, and begging her not to tell their drunken father where he was.   Simone thought about Noel.  He was no match for her drunken brother and his friends, just as her brother, was no match for their raging drunken father, who had broken a wine bottle at dinner, and brandished it as a weapon and threatened Dave.  He too had ran.

Simone thought about her diary and journal, and the things she had written there.  No wonder Noel had wanted her to burn them.  Simone thought about how wild her imagination was then, and how reading about those imaginary events may have affected Noel.  She thought about their age, their inexperience with dealing with emotions, and Noel's strange and possesive love for her.  Simone felt like a posession, and she wonders how much, and if any of his emotions involved real love. 
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At School Simone continued her relationship with Sam.  She knew it was wrong, but she could not tell him the truth.  Her feelings had grown strong for Sam, and she wanted to spend time with him, more than she wanted to spend time with Noel.  Simone knew she had to choose, but she was afraid of what would happen.  How would Noel react?  She imagined his anger, and that he would join forces with her brother, and beat up Sam.  Simone did not want Sam harmed. 

A few days later, at lunch time, Noel was waiting beside Simone's locker.  Simone was shocked to see him, and was expecting Sam to meet her there in just a few moments.  "I didn't have to work today" Noel said with big grin on his face.  "and my boss let me take the van home to clean it up, wanna' go for a ride?"

Noel did not wait for her reply, and he grabbed her hand.  Simone pulled away.  "What's wrong?" Noel said suspiciously as he grabbed her hand again.  "Nothing, I just can't go right now" Simone was feeling annoyed.  Noel moved closer to her and put his big arm around her shoulders, and drew her close to him.  Simone felt like she couldn't breathe, she felt like a trapped animal.  "Is it because of that Sam guy?" he asked.  "No" Simone lied.  All she could think about was escaping, and getting Noel out of her space. 

This time, Simone grabbed Noel's hand, and she was leading him out of the school and away from where she was to meet Sam.  As they rounded the corner, they ran right into him.  Sam looked shocked, hurt, and everything seemed to go into slow motion.  Noel was looking at him and back at her, and Sam was looking at their grasped hands and directly into her eyes.  She felt like he was looking for an explanation, where there was none.

Sam turned his back and began walking quickly in the opposite direction.  Simone watched as he turned the corner.

Sam never spoke to Simone again.  Simone was heart broken, but knew, it was her own fault.  Simone missed Sam, for a very long time.

The Ceremony

Strangely enough, Simone awoke on Thursday November 11, 2010 Remembrance Day, feeling light and happy.  She began to giggle, about the stories she had written in her notebook and in her diary, the ones that had come directly from those True Story Magazines she had been reading as a young girl.  The ones she had made up about Sam, when she was barely 16 years old.  The ones Noel and her brother read together.  Simone thought she would have loved to have seen the expressions on their faces back then.  They had actually thought they were true!  Simone would love to read those stories now.

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Noel burst into her room, without knocking,  There was an angry but desperate and tortured look on his face, and under his arm, was her diary and her notebooks.  He tossed them on the bed.  Simone backed away, and half expected him to hit her, but instead, he fell to his knees at her feet, sobbing and crying and begging her to forgive him. 

Simone had no idea how to deal with this outburst, it had shocked her to the core, and suddenly she was feeling sorry for Noel, and tears filled her eyes.  She went to him and patted him on the head, as he continued sobbing. 

Noel finally stopped crying, and he wrapped his arms around her and tried to kiss her.  She felt herself stiffen, and she tried to push him away.  Simone was confused.  Noel began confessing his love for her, and Simone could hardly stand his desperation.  She felt sick.    Simone did not know what to do, or what to say.  He asked her to be his girlfriend again, and Simone said "ok" when every ounce of her was wanting to escape from him.  

A few days later, Noel demanded that Simone burn her diary and notebooks, and he made a ceremony of it.  They headed down to the river, gathered wood,  built a huge fire, and Noel made Simone toss her stories into the fire.  Simone felt as if she had tossed away a piece of her life that day.  She watched as they burned, and saw the satisfied look upon Noel's face.

He turned to her then, a smug look on his face.  "You are a bitch" he said coldly.  Simone looked away.  She did not want to tell him the stories were not true, she wanted him to believe the lies she had written there.  It gave her some sort of sick satisfaction.

Noel never let Simone forget what she had done. 

The House Cleaning Choice - Part Two- The Diary

After doing the exercise on the sheet of paper,  Simone was in a terrible state.  She was not functioning at all, and the scene from her past kept rolling around and around in her head, almost as if it had just happened yesterday.  The more she tried to dismiss it, the more real it became, emotions from the past flooding over her, making her feel like she couldn't breathe.

Question 4  Looking back over my life, what ongoing effect might this event and the person who hurt me have had on my life?

She tried to focus on her day, and what she had to do, but it became impossible, so she took Sadie and headed off on a walk.  It was bright and sunny day.  It was chilly, and fallen leaves crunched under her feet.  She watched in awe as hundreds of geese flew overhead in unison, honking, and heading to a warmer climate.  She couldn't envy them anymore, because in a few days she was going south too.  She wondered why that worried her so much. 

Simone wrote: 

Simone remembered how after the episode with the 1959 Mercury,  Noel had started hanging out with her brother Dave.  Simone had thought it very strange, and wondered why Noel would befriend someone who had treated them that way.  She did not understand it at all.  Noel started coming to the house with her brother, and Simone was extremely annoyed.  She spent most of her time in her room, avoiding  them.  

During that time, she read books, wrote stories, and drew pictures.  In her diary, she wrote about a growing crush she had on a boy at school named Sam.    In her room, and at School was the only place Simone could be without Noel or her brother invading her privacy, and she was glad that Noel had quit going to her school, and started trade school. 

Sam was in most of her classes, and always walked with her and carried her books.  Sam was shorter than Noel, he was tanned from working on his dad's farm all summer, and very strong and muscular looking, he had brown hair with blonde streaks, and a soft and kind face.   His eyes lit up when he saw her.  Simone knew he was shy.   Sam wanted to know everything about her.  Simone was very guarded, and thought that if he found out about her real life, he would not like her.  Soon, she opened up, and began weaving lies, and telling tales about a life she could only imagine.  

He asked her to date him, but she made up a story about having a strict father who did not allow her to date, (she did not even have a father who cared) but really, she was afraid her brother and Noel would find out about Sam and spoil everything.  So, she kept their relationship a secret, and at school only, and dreamed about him at night, and wrote about him everyday in her diary.  Most of the things she wrote about were made up, they were fantasies.  Like the True Story magazines, she had become addicted to.  She loved the romantic short stories, and thought one day she could write for a magazine.

Then one day, her diary and all her notebooks with her stories in them were gone, missing from the spot under her mattress where she kept them.  Simone was furious.  She suspected it was either her brother Dave or Noel.   Simone felt  her privacy was being violated.  She began to feel exposed, for she had written things in her diary and notebooks, that were very personal and private, and not exactly true.  Her heart pounded.

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Simone's heart was pounding as she walked Sadie too just thinking about this.  She was angry now, thinking of what happened next, but she dismissed this thinking and tried to get on with her day.  This was all so long ago, and Simone did not want to go back to think about that time in her life.  Hadn't she already dealt with these emotions.  Why was she feeling as if it was happening all over again?  The wierd thing was, Simone had never really thought these things had affected her, but she realized after that she stopped writing and dreaming about being a famous writer.  In fact, during that time Simone now realized that she had given up on herself and life, without actually saying so. 

Question 5 Is there any part of what happened then that I need to take some responsibility for?_______________________________________________________________________________
Simone's phone rang.  It was her son William from California,  he was in town visiting his girlfriend.  She knew he was calling her to go have lunch with him, but Simone was in an emotional state.  She called him back and explained she was working, and couldn't get away today.  Simone was lying.  Simone was having a hard time controlling the emotions she was feeling and after she hung up the phone she burst into tears.  "Oh God" she sobbed.  "Help me get through this".  Simone realized she had lied to her son.  She hated lies, she hated lying, and she was doing it.  Simone was disgusted with herself.

Question 6  Have I ever turned this memory/pain over to God?

Simone supposed she just did.

Coming Clean - The House Cleaning Choice

Simone is finally excited about attending church, and each week she feels God is speaking to her through the sermons.  This week, they had a special guest speaker and the topic was Life's Healing Choice # 4 which is Coming Clean - The House Cleaning Choice

Physically, Simone would say she really needs this, as her surroundings have become cluttered, like the thoughts have been cluttering up in her head.  However the sermon was more about coming clean about the deep dark secrets in your life, the things that have hurt you deeply that you keep locked up inside you. 

Lately Simone has been thinking about why she is so opposed to drinking alcohol, and why she detests being around men who drink excessively, and why she is so fearful of men in general.  She is sure it stems from her drunk and abusive father.  But there was more...

At the end of the sermon, the speaker handed out a sheet of paper to everyone, and on it they were to carve out 20 minutes to be alone, free of distraction.  Then honestly and as specifically as possible answer the questions presented.

1.  During your teen years, a specific event/interaction/discussion where you were significantly hurt by another person/s: 

 Simone wrote this:

Simone's ex husband Noel, was Simone's very first boyfriend.  They dated through her Jr.High  and High School years, and spent a lot of time together planning their future.  In looking back now, Simone would probably say they were actually planning his future, which she supposed may have included her, however, she never really saw herself being married to him, or having his children.  Simone was not in love with Noel, in fact, she had no idea what that even meant, after all, she was only fifteen years old.  Noel confessed his love to her all the time, but, Simone remained aloof, and when he asked if she loved him, she would tell him no.   She mostly thought of Noel as a best friend, or perhaps even a big brother. 

He never pushed her to sleep with him, but she did enjoy being close to him, kissing him, and being caressed.  She enjoyed holding his hand, and listening to all his grandiose plans.  She also thought he was very handsome.  She loved his muscular build, the way he smelled, and the way she felt safe when they were together.  Noel often bought her gifts, but most of the time they were things Simone did not want, especially clothes.  Even Simones mother did not think it right that Noel buy her clothing. 

Feeling safe with him ended rather quickly, on a warm August summer night, when Simone and Noel, were necking  in the back seat of her brother Dave's old 1959 Mercury convertible.  It was parked in the back yard because it was not running and her brother did not have the money to fix it.  The top was down, it was dark, and neither of them were suspecting that  her brother Dave and a couple of his friends were sneaking up on them. 

Simone's brother was four years older than her, and had a reputation for having a temper, being a bit of a bully and a tough guy.  Dave and his buddies loved to fight and Simone had seen his face swollen and bloody, and once had watched him having to drink his food from a straw because he had a broken jaw.  Dave was over six feet tall, muscular, angry because his girlfriend had just dumped him, and on that particular night, he and his friends had been drinking.

They dragged the two of them from the car like they were a couple of rag dolls, and Dave started calling Simone terrible names, and pushing Noel around and demanding he explain what they were doing in his car.   Noel said nothing, he just stood there, dumbfounded, as did her brother's two friends.    Simone grew angry at the assault, and thinking Noel would surely come to his senses and defend her, she began  using a few choice words of her own.

Dave slapped her across the face and sent her reeling.  She got up quickly and flung herself at him scratching and biting and flailing her arms,   He slapped her again, and then kicked her.  Noel did nothing.  Simone looked at Noel  in disbelief, and she saw his twisted expression and the fear on his face.  Fear began to overwhelm her too. 

Then Noel ran.  Her brother and his friends chased him a short way, then began to laugh at him and taunt him, they were calling him a coward among other things.   Simone began limping  toward the house, her lip and nose bleeding and her shins bruised.  Her brother shouted after her, still calling her names.  Simone kept walking not really caring what he was saying.  She was used to physical abuse and name calling. 

Question (2)  The person you came to resent or fear as a result of this experience was?

Simone wrote:

She loathed  all of them, especially Noel.  It was  months before Simone would talk to Noel again.

The next day, her brother, told her he was sorry, and explained that he was drunk, and upset about his girlfriend.  He said "I was trying to protect you."  Simone said "ok", even though it wasn't ok at all, "what kind of protection was that?" she murmured to herself, and then she asked him to keep Noel away from her. 

Simone refused to take Noel's calls.  She avoided her brother, and hardly spoke to him either.

Dave threatened Noel when he showed up at her door, and followed Noel around, for a few days, reminding him Simone was off limits.   Noel finally got the message.  Simone always resented him for not at least trying to stand up to her brother.  She hated her brother, but she had hated him for as long as she could remember. He had bullied her all of her life. 

Question 3.  At that time, how did their actions, words or behaviours, affect and hurt you. 

Simone wrote:

Simone was angry,  she felt unworthy, bullied, she felt she had done something terribly wrong, and succumbed to thinking she was the things her brother had called her.  But mostly she never felt safe, and deep inside her there was a hatred growing towards men.  She would never forgive either of them.  Unforgiveness and bitterness had also taken root.

Question 4.  Looking back over my life, what ongoing effect might this event and the person who hurt me have had on my life?

Simone was shocked at the emotions that arose in her after she wrote about this event.  It was not even one of the worst things that happened to her during her teens.

To be continued

The Choice

Simone has been told many times, that she should write a book about her life, and she certainly would agree that her life has not been a dull one.  At least not until recently.  In the last few years, she had been looking for normal, but for Simone normal was a bit like dying, and it made her depressed, to just sit upon the sidelines and not act or react to the life happenings that were surrounding her. 

Deep in her heart Simone knew she had been destined for something, and once, she had been sure of exactly what it that was.  Lately, she had great doubts, and fears, and it seemed that lack of living had sapped all of her life energy.  She was tired. 

Now, in her heart she felt a choice had been set before her.  A choice between 'life and death, and between blessing and cursing'.  It was plain which choice she should make, but Simone knows that living is never easy, and blessings almost always come in disguise.  Dying is the easy choice, slow dying, not so easy, and curses only make dying seem like a blessing. 

Today Simone is choosing "life and blessings".  She knows what lies before her is not going to be easy.  She is going to say "Yes" before she even knows what God is going to ask her to do.  She is aware that it will lead her into unknown territory, she will be living and she will be blessed, and she is sure none of it will be what she expects...it will be so much better!

"What IFS?"

Since Simone purchased her ticket to visit her family in California, the heavy cloud of sadness and indecision seems to have left her.  Suddenly she feels alive, and  that life is still worth living.  She is finally acting instead of reacting to her situation.  Yes, she thought about the 'what ifs,' and yes she is afraid, yes she is worried especially about her job, and her finances.  However, her daughter Tess  is  employed as a helper for her company and while Simone is gone, she can handle the few jobs that she will be getting for the month of December. 

She had thought about taking Sadie with her, but decided against it since she would be staying at her son's house and he has 3 small children, and they are not the type of people who are particularly fond of animals. 

Simone's daughter would be taking care of Sadie while she was gone.  Her only worry about  that was if she happened to go into heat while Simone was away.   She was not really sure she wanted to do the puppy thing again, but she really did not want to get her spayed and then leave her for a month or  maybe more. 

Everyday, more 'what if's' arise, but Simone is bent upon seeing her grand kids.  In photo's she has seen their sad eyes and hollow expressions, it has brought her to tears on several occasions.  Just yesterday, her granddaughter had sent her an email saying that the reason her mom passed out at work, was because she has a 'cyst' on her brain.  Simone found this very alarming.  It seems they have known about the cyst for a long time, and this was not the first time she had passed out.  Simone thought about her now ex daughter in law driving in that condition, with the kids in the car, or even by herself.  "What if she passed out then?"

Today, Simone's son William was here in town, visiting his new girlfriend Shelly, who is Simone's ex-husband's wife's niece.  To Simone it all seems so complicated,  but she tries hard not to get involved or express her opinion.  Simone's son seems happy, and is  totally smitten by this woman.  He is even thinking of moving here to be with her.  The thought of him leaving his children in California makes Simone feel very sad.  In some ways, it feels like history repeating itself, for that is exactly what his own dad did to us. 

Simone does not see much of her son while he is here, as he spends most of time with Shelley, his dad, and his dad's wife's side of the family.  Simone is pained by this, but tries hard not to let it bother her.  Unfortunately it does bother her, a lot.

William will be back in California for Thanksgiving.  She will spend time with him then, and he will have all of his children during that time.  Simone has been praying her heart out in regard to the situation, but hardly knows what to pray for except that "Gods will be done and that God will keep and protect her grandchildren".    She has been going to the weekly Bible Study, and has recently started reading the "Purpose Driven Life" again.  She thinks her struggle with Chapter 15 is over.  (Formed for God's Family).

This morning, the guy from the lake called her again.  She did not answer.  "He certainly is persistent" she thinks, and she actually wonders what it is  he sees in her.  This lies, heavy upon her mind, and she thinks she should call him back, if not, just to explain that she just has too much going on right now.

Simone has a bad cold and an eye infection.  It seems she is going to have to spend her day in the Medi Center waiting room.  She thinks she will take the book she is reading "Pillars of the Earth" with her, since she has not been able to put it down, and stays up until all hours of the night reading and coughing.  She has been having a hard time sleeping.  The book keeps her mind off things, and she usually reads until she nods off. 

Lately, she has been having the strangest dreams.....

ONE WAY OUT!

Yesterday, Simone purchased a ONE WAY air fare ticket to California.  Her daughter in law Mindy was going to pay for her flight home when the time came.  She was going to be there for Thanksgiving, and maybe even Christmas too.

It has been very slow at  her work, and it seemed the month of December was going to be even worse.  Simone feels as if she has thrown all caution to the wind, and doesn't know if she has done the right thing or not.  However, she is excited because almost all of her family will be there, including her oldest son who is going through a terrible divorce, and all of her grandchildren, except one.  Simone secretly wishes her daughter and her granddaughter who live in her same town would come too.  That would make the season almost perfect.

Simone has been rethinking, and rethinking things, and she is feeling extremely bad that she may have offended those she loves.  Drinking is something she has always had a hangup about since her father had been a raging alcoholic and abusive.  Until recently, she herself would not drink at all, but lately has found that social drinking is something totally different.  She also realized something else.  The man at the lake actually reminded her of her father.  They even looked similar.  Perhaps she is judging a book by it's cover, but for Simone, right now her thoughts are on other things, and she does not feel as if she wants to involve anyone, or get involved with anyone.

It seems her grandchildren in California, are being left to their own devices.  Their mother, has been drinking excessively, and staying out until all hours, and just yesterday, she passed out at work and ended up in the hospital.  Simone's son has been spending all his time traveling to meet with his new girlfriend, and the kids are suffering.  Simone feels there is something she must do to help. 

She must see them, and see for herself the situation.

Commitment- Is Simone Insane?

Simone went to her sisters house, reluctantly, to find something to wear to the 'Great Halloween Party' that everyone seemed to be so excited about.  Her niece was curling her mom's hair into ringlets like the angel in the Philadelphia cream cheese commercial. 

The two of them had already decided what Simone should be, and they pulled out the goods from a bag.  There was a leather coat, a leather bandanna with orange flames on it, sleeves for her arms that looked like tattoo's, and a long red haired wig, and a T shirt with a skeleton on it.  Yes, they wanted her to be a biker babe.  Simone thought that would work, and was getting into the swing of things, and actually getting a bit excited herself.  She had a pair of pants with leather up the side, and she had some boots that would work. 

Her niece suggested she put some balloons in her shirt to make her chest look huge.  They all laughed at that and Simone remembered she had some balloons left over from one of her displays.  All she needed now was a belt for her waist, because the Shirt was too big and the balloons would fall through.  She found one at a dress shop, and as far as she could see, she was all set.

She thought of calling the guy from the lake back and asking him to come to the party, but chose not to.  Mostly, she just did not want to be bothered with it.  Simone was not ready for any man in her life, and she was not sure how she felt about him, because she wasn't really attracted.

Once at the party, Simone decided she was not going to drink, because she had taken her own car and had to drive home.  Besides that, she wanted to attend church in the morning, because they were going to be talking about the third 'Life Healing Choice', and she didn't want to miss it, or feel terrible the next day.

Her outfit was a hit, and everyone commented on how good her costume was and "how big her boobs were", and at first Simone was having fun with it.  However, as the evening went on, she was hearing a lot of slurred sexual innuendo's from the men at the party, both young and old, and it was starting to make her feel dirty.  Then, they tried to feel her balloons, and put their faces on her chest, and Simone was finding it offensive.  People were really starting to get drunk and they were acting horribly.  It was time for her to leave. 

As she drove home, she thought about the party, the drinking and she decided, this was not something she thought was fun.  She was glad she had not asked the guy from the lake to come to the party, and she also yearned for her life and her church friends back in California.  They could have a lot more fun than this without having to drink alcohol and do drugs. 

She did not care anymore, if people thought she was a prude.  She just could not fit in with this lifestyle, it was not for her.  She wanted a man like Joe, a real man, a wise man, who walked the talk. 

That night she dreamed about him, and in the morning, she could not get him off her mind.  She went to church, and could almost feel his warm body, sitting beside her, and she remembered how during worship he raised his strong muscled arms in praise to God, and how under those strong arms she felt so pure and protected.  When she thought about him, she thought of a strait arrow, and every other man since him, seemed like a twisted stick in comparison.  She had seen the man at the lake smoke pot and drink, but she had also seen men in the church do that.   In her heart, she was sure, he was not a 'man of God'.   She also knew there were lots of men at church who pretended to be.  Joe was real, he was a man after God's own heart, of that she was sure.

The third "Life's Healing Choice" was to BE COMMITTED.  Simone thought about commitment, and realized she had not committed to anything since returning to this God forsaken place.  She had been committed once, to God, and to waiting upon Him, and doing His will. 

She wondered when she had stopped Following, and when her own Will had taken over...

Time to "Get a Grip"

Simone is weary.  Her body aches, her head aches, her lungs are congested, her thoughts are putrid, and she realizes she is sick.  She confesses being physically sick, emotionally sick, and worst of all spiritually almost dead.  But somewhere inside her there is still a spark of 'hope'.

This was not a good week, especially in regard to her health, but somethings happened that have fanned the spark in her.  She missed church on Sunday, since she had been at the lake, and was a bit concerned since they are doing a series on "Life's Healing Choices", and Simone really wanted to attend.  She felt in her heart this was an answer to prayer and that God was going to speak to her, in fact, he already had. 

The first healing choice, was to admit that she needed help.  "God certainly knows I need that!"  Simone agreed wholeheartedly, and she had signed up to join a small group of believers about two weeks ago.  The idea of the small group was to meet together to do further study and pray for one another.  However, no one called.

Something happened that made Simone think she may lose her job, and she was trying hard not to jump to conclusions.  Her thinking was never positive when she was not feeling well, so she decided not to react, but to try a bit harder in that area.  She also decided not to make any major decisions until she began feeling better. 

On Thursday, while Simone was walking Sadie, she ran into an old friend from church whom she had seen there the last few weeks, but she dashed off each time before they could talk.  The thought had crossed her mind that Julie was actually avoiding her.  This time Julie was certainly not avoiding her, and as they walked the dogs, she invited Simone to come to the Small Group she was attending that evening.  "I'll pick you up at 6:30" Julie said as she got in her car.  Simone was actually quite excited, and that evening she met with 9 other ladies from church.  Afterward, she and Julie went and had a coffee and chatted.  That evening, she learned what the second healing choice was, "Accept God's offer for help"!

"Admitting need for help, and accepting God's offer for help, sounded pretty simplistic" thought Simone.  She believed she could do that, and so that evening she prayed exactly that.  "I am open to whatever help you bring God" Simone whispered sincerely.

On Friday, even though she was still not feeling well, she did her work, stopped by to rent a few movies and went home to spend a restful and quiet evening.  As she watched one of the movies, she began to cry like a baby.  She had not suspected for one moment what the movie she rented was about, but something in it's content hit her deeply.  It was called "To Save a Life" .  God had spoken loud and clear!

It is Saturday, and Simone is supposed to attend a Halloween Party tonight.  She does not like this holiday much, she never really has.  This morning she is supposed to go over to her sister's house to go through her costumes and find something to wear.  Simone is reluctant, but it is a family event, and everyone is expecting her to attend.  Simone wishes she felt better.  "Maybe" she thinks "I should just stay home and take care of myself and get better"?  or "Maybe she should pray about it"? 

As she prayed the thought entered her mind "Don't be Judgemental."  then the phone rang.  A name came up on the screen.  It was the guy from the lake.  She didn't answer the phone.  Ugh!  "What is wrong with me!?" Simone whispered under her breath.

Choices and "What if?"

Since the weekend at the Lake, Simone has felt chilled to the bone.  Her back and head has been aching, and she just can not  get warm.  This morning her chest was congested and it was extremely hard to breathe, and all she wanted to do was sleep but she had to get up and move around.  She had work to do, and it seemed to her, it was even more painful to lie in bed. 

As she sipped her morning coffee, she turned on the little space heater, near where she was sitting in front of her computer.  The heat from her cup and the heat from the heater eased her pain.  She began reading emails, and blogs, and started a new post of her own.

Nothing much had happened in recent days.  The guy at the lake had not called either, so her fear had subsided.  There was snow on the ground outside, although the roads were not slippery.  On Monday, she had made an appointment to get new tires on her car,  that was top priority, since she had noticed how little tread was left on them.  She had feared getting a blowout for weeks now, it was a constant thought in her mind whenever she was driving, and the thought of the coming ice, struck her with fear.  Bald tires and ice, did not mix well.

Work was slow, and with her job, Simone did not get paid unless she was actually working, and so another thing that was heavy on her mind was finding a job with more security and benefits.  "What if she got sick" she pondered , mostly because she was not feeling well, "how would she pay her bills, her rent?"

Simone had no other income.  "How would she live?"  Her health was very important to her, and so far it had held up.  Simone rarely got sick, but she was getting older, and she really needed to think about her future.  This morning, "what ifs" were filling her mind, but she knew that getting depressed about it was not going to change anything.

"God had always provided" she thought, and he had, but lately her faith has not been  strong, she has doubts, and fears, and a sense of impending doom.  She hoped God was still with her, somewhere deep inside she believed he would never leave her or forsake her, but Simone was not simple enough to believe that she didn't have to do something.  She had to do something to change her situation, but she was not quite sure what to do.

The other day, her 'daughter in law' had invited her to come to California for Thanksgiving, and she even offered to pay for part of her air fare.  This too had been heavy on her mind.  She really wanted to see her grandchildren, and get out of the cold, but she was afraid she could not afford to lose a couple of weeks of work, even if it was slow, and she was not really getting in many hours, because that would put her behind in her bills, and she had to put those tires on her car, they couldn't wait.

Simone knew decision time was coming, and that she had to choose.  Choices were hard for her, but the thought of a few weeks of sunshine and her grandchildren , were making her choice slant West.  Love was winning out over responsibility.  But, inside her the struggle continued.  "What if" she thought.

The Last Ta Da! At the Lake

As Simone, sat contentedly, beside the roaring camp fire, she looked up at the stark naked trees, felt the cold on her back, and realized that fall was gone and winter was falling down all around her.  Yes, it was snowing, and this would be the last time she would sit with friends and family around the open fire, chatting, reminiscing, and enjoying one anther's company, at least in this way. 

Since she was trying to stay positive, and live in the moment, she did not ramble off into the future, but , watched as the dogs, chased one another up the steep bank and back down again into the den they had dug.  One of them would get to the entrance first and fight off the rest to maintain possession of it.  Then, they would all run off again until one would turn back toward the den.  Her little white dog Sadie, was covered in sand, but she was loving every moment, and seemed to be the one who maintained control most often.  It made Simone laugh, as she was, the smallest, and Simone was sure, the smartest.

Someone threw more wood on the campfire and it blazed hot and bright, and Simone felt the blast of heat and backed up her chair, then turned her back to the fire to warm herself.  Her sister's beautiful new fifth wheel, was right in full view and she began to coveted it.  "That's what I want" she whispered under her breath "I could live very comfortably in something like that, especially in a warm climate".  It was making her sad to think about being a have not, so she turned back toward the campfire.

Simone tucked her dream away deep inside her, and then someone poured her a cup of hot coffee, and she was back in the moment, enjoying the company, the heat, and that amazing cup of campfire coffee.  In that moment, all was well, she was content and happy, and one of the neighbors had stopped by to visit.

He was about her age, single(so she was told), quiet, and for some strange reason every time she looked up he was gazing at her.  Simone was flattered, but it also made her very nervous.  He was not handsome, nor the type she would normally be attracted to, but there was something about him.  Fear was slowly but surely rising within her, and she suddenly felt the urge to run.  Simone fought the urge, and began questioning her own thinking processes, she could not quite grasp what was going on inside her, then, she excused herself and went to bed.  It was only 9 pm, but she had to escape. 

Once alone with her thoughts, she realized how silly she had been, but what was it in her that had caused such a strong emotion of fear?  She was too exhausted from all the fresh air, the sudden emotional outburst, and she fell asleep quickly.

The next morning, she tumbled from bed, put on some warm clothes, and went outside to the warm herself by the fire since there was no heat in the fifth wheel all night.  It seemed the propane tank was empty.  Her hair was standing up on end, she smelled like smoke, and felt like doggie doo doo.  "Oh my God" she thought as she approached her sister and her husband who were up before the sun, drinking coffee, "Here he comes again!"  This time she pulled her hoody over her tousled hair and huddled by the fire.  She didn't look at him.  For some reason she was a bit angry, and wondered why he was invading her privacy.  She wished he would leave.  He didn't and ended up staying for breakfast. 

Before she left to go home that day, he asked her for her phone number and wondered if they could have coffee sometime?  This was not in her plan she thought, as she said "Yes, that would be nice" and as she wondered who had spoken those words, she was giving him her number. 

As she drove home she convinced herself, she was not going to answer the phone if he called.  After all, she wouldn't be going up to the lake again this year, as everyone had been busy closing things up for the winter, and this was the last ta da.  "Yes", she thought, "she could easily avoid him".

"It's All in Your Mind?"

The mornings are dark and cold now, and Simone is finding it harder and harder to get out of bed.  This morning she awoke long before the sun came up and stewed in a broth of putrid thoughts.  Around and around they stirred in her head, making her feel tired despite the hours of sleep she'd had.  She had even retired early the evening before, because she was exhausted even then. 

The brick wall in front of her seemed more ominous than ever this morning, and it seemed that all of her chipping away at it the past week or so had come to naught.  "Trying harder, just was not working" Simone reasoned, as she thought about how she had tried so hard to lose weight, to get fit, to eat right, to do better at her job, to save money, to do good, to go to church, to say and do all the right things.  "Exhausting!" she sighed, as she rolled out of bed and started her morning coffee, and grabbed the new book she had bought the day before.  It was right beside the "Purpose Driven Life" on the shelf, and for just a moment she almost chose it instead.

As the smell of freshly brewed coffee filled her nostrils, some of her putrid thinking escaped her mind, and as she cozies up in her favorite chair with the new cup that said "Reinvent" on it, a gift from her daughter, and her book, she suddenly realized she had a really bad attitude toward life.  It was her thinking that was keeping her captive, and she began to read the Introduction, and the words upon the page struck her like a lightening bolt.

"It's All in Your Mind

Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. 

If you continue to believe as you have always believed.

you will continue to act as you have always acted.

If you continue to act as you have always acted,

you will continue to get what you have always gotten.

If you want different results in your life or your work,

all you have to do is change your mind."

                                                                         --Anonymous

She had been praying that God would speak to her, and as she read, her spirit stirred within...and suddenly part of a bible verse came to mind  "take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" and she realized she needed to think about what she was thinking about.

"I would love to change my mind" she mused "but how?"  For as long as Simone could remember, she had bad thoughts, defeating thoughts, putrid thinking, but somehow it had never occurred to her, as it did in this moment that it was affecting her life, keeping her captive and in a terrible and unbearable rut.  Her thinking was in fact the brick wall she had been trying to break through physically, emotionally and spiritually, and it was her mind..."the brick wall is my own mind"

The days have been passing so quickly, nothing in one day stands out from the rest.  Hopelessness and lonliness have settled over Simone like a familiar blanket.  The thought of another long winter in this 'god forsaken' land is fore front in her weary mind.   Even though recent days have been mild and warm, the air filled with fragrance,  the trees colorful, and the ground covered with a carpet of red and yellow, she can think of nothing else but escaping. 

Envy fills her heavy heart as she listens to the joyful honking, of the geese flying in unison above, headed south.  "I wish I were brave" she whispers to herself,  "I would leave this pointless life behind and fly away into the future.  Yes, that is what I would do." 

"If I were brave" she ponders the thought. and remembers how brave she had been in her past, and how she had taken her young son, a few of their belongings, and boarded a bus, heading toward California, to gather her children, like a hen gathers her chicks, but then, God was her friend  then and she was sure He was walking close beside her.  She could do anything , knowing the one who held her future was there by her side.  There was also unconditional love in her heart, strong passionate love leading the way, but passion and that kind of love is no where within her now.  She feels old and spent, empty and without motivation, and worst of all her heart is void. 

It has been days since Simone thought about her blog, or the Purpose Driven Life, and it was days ago, that she left herself, and walked on just an empty shell of a being, trying to make sense of it all, she had been tired of the pain of the past and the feeling of being cornered.  Today, she realized, she could not take another step toward nothingness. 

It was time to return to herself again, to God, and to allow herself to feel the pain of disappointment, of loss, and of feeling.   Simone suddenly realized the brick wall in front of her might be a test and it had to be penetrated for it was 'smack dab' in the way of everything the future had for her!  She would need all the help she could get, all the strength, courage and  passion she could find, and all the love she could muster up to break through it and get to the other side.  Something very deep, near the essence of her being, was not allowing her to give up, as much as she wanted to, for Simone was very tired. 

There had to be a way out, and in this moment, something in her was determined to find it, while everything else in and around her wanted to be content in this place and just lay down and surrender to the path of least resistance.  "Yes" she thought, "It would be easy to give up now, but that would mean a slow and sure death.  I must fight!"  She knew it was her only hope. 

Simone picked up the book once more, and assumed she must be on Chapter 15, which is "Formed for God's Family" she didn't read the chapter, but dressed quickly and darkened the door of the 11 a.m. church service.

Oh, Just Another Little Disappointment

Simone thought the new Nissan Sentra suited her, and when she drove it she felt a sense of pride and ease.  After all it was automatic, and she had no shifting and clutching to do, which was something she had decided caused her right knee to ache, especially when she had to drive long distances. 

"Doesn't God see how happy I am driving this car?" she thought, as she turned into the Car Rental lot.  Today, she was returning the Sentra and picking up her old car.  It was still early and dark outside and rain was pouring down, the windshield wipers keeping time with the music playing on the radio.  A sense of sadness overcame her, and silently she prayed.  "Thankyou God, for the time I had driving this car, and even though I don't understand, it has been a good experience, and I know in my heart there is a purpose for all things". 

Simone gathered her belongings from the car, and handed over the keys, surprised by the numbness she felt and the fake smile on her face, she complimented the employee, "Thanks, it was a pleasure driving that car".  "Yes" smiled the woman behind the counter and computer "everyone seems to like those cars, and they are also very good on gas".  Simone nodded her head in agreement. 

Within moments it seemed she was shuttled to the Autobody shop and to her old car.  The rain was still pouring down, and she thought about her windshield wipers that needed to be replaced, and her long drive she had that morning.  "Great" she sighed "Just Great".  Then she remembered she was trying to be thankful for all things.  "Thanks God", she said with a bit of sarcasm in her voice.  "Really God, I am honestly not happy about this, but I am thankful for a car to drive, even if it is this old rattletrap that sure does not have that new car smell!"  She wasn't fooling anyone, Simone was disappointed, but then, disappointment had become so familiar to her that she hardly even noticed it.   "Onward Forward" she whispered under her breath. 

Simone is not sure of the reason, but for days now she has not picked up "Purpose Driven Life", and she has no desire to read her bible,  or go to church.  She wonders if she is angry at God, she wonders if she is truly thankful, and she is sure her prayers are  just words, that she thinks God would want to hear.  Her heart feels cold, and at times she even doubts  the existence of God.  She feels no love for him, or for herself, let alone real love for anyone else.  She is still so empty.

Driving me Crazy!!!!

After trying everything she could think of to 'draw near to God' Simone decided to stop.  She almost thought of discontinuing the reading of the Purpose Driven Life but for some strange reason she was compelled to continue, much to her chagrin.  She had also given up on the idea of purchasing a new car, and for now her dream of moving has been put on hold too. 

She told God that she wasn't happy about 'letting go' of her plan, but somewhere deep within her heart, she was sure He had a better one.  However, it seemed to her, he wasn't exactly being a very good friend in not telling her what was going on.  Simone despises, being left in the dark about what is happening around her, it is her number one pet peeve.  She is convinced God really knows how to push her buttons but she is well aware that all of her annoyance at Him, is not going to make Him budge.  "After all," she sighs "God will move in His own sweet time". 

This is the thing!  Right now, this moment, there is a brand spanking new, shiny silver, Nissan Sentra, sitting in her driveway, and Simone has the keys, and all she can think of, is how God is teasing her.  Why would he allow her to drive a car such as this, but not allow her to buy one of her own?  It is a rental for goodness sakes, which is being paid for by her insurance company, a perk she was not expecting,  In a few days she will have her old car back, without the damage to the front end. 

"Whoopee Do" she thinks to herself, "I don't really want the old car back, I want a new one like the rental!" and she feels like stomping her feet and having a tantrum, but she doesn't.  Instead, she tries to understand, and honestly thinks she has to be missing something.  "I just don't get it!" she says to herself.  "Just when I resign myself to letting go of wanting a new car, you put me in the drivers seat?"  "Ugggggh!"

Simone is just a little confused, and wonders if anyone out there knows what is going on?

Chapter Fourteen/ When God is Distant

The Lord has hidden himself from his people,

but I trust him and place my hope in him.  Isaiah 8:17

Just a short while ago Simone was having a glorious Sunday afternoon nap, and was marvelling at how warm and cozy she felt, with the wind blowing wildly outside her window, a cool breeze wafting into the room and a rain pouring down, just a few feet away from her safe, warm haven.  She had been to church today, she had been on a long walk with her dog Sadie early that morning;  and she had just sat in a restaurant alone eating breakfast.  When she returned home, all she wanted to do was nap.  It felt as if all her energy had been sapped, and she felt exhausted.  There was absolutely nothing she wanted to do but sleep. 

Then, energized from her nap Simone put on her warm red fleece jacket, a hat, her walking runners, her ipod,  and headed out the door for another long walk with her little dogSadie.  She was sure this was good for both of them, and besides she had lots to think about after church, plus, she was still trying to conjure up a friendship with God, and thought he must be out there in the rain, because she certainly could not find him at church this morning. 

As Simone walked, she felt the rain on her skin, and could smell and feel the fresh cool air blowing all around her.  She was walking at a quick pace, so she was warm.  The sky was dark and gray, and she and Sadie were alone on the wet pathway.  As she walked along, a song popped into her head, and she began to sing it as she walked.  It seemed so fitting, for the moment, and Simone felt a tinge of happiness rise up in her and a smile formed upon her lips.  Suddenly she felt alive, more alive than she had felt in months, and yes, she was actually singing in the rain, and everything in her little world was ok, at least for the time being. 

Simone thought about last Friday, when she had met her friend Katherine for lunch, and how surprised she was when she saw her.  Kate  looked so good, so put together, so happy and content.  "You look wonderful!" she told her friend as she hugged her.  "What is going on with you?"  Kate was wearing a skirt, high boots, a stylish jacket and her hair was shiny and done, she was even wearing makeup, and she was smiling from ear to ear. She had also lost a lot of weight in the  month since they had seen one another.  

 "I broke through the wall!" she exclaimed "I am on the other side!"  "Well I want what you have", Simone smiled "Help me break through that wall!"  "I can't help you, you have to want it and get there yourself, no one can do it for you" Kate explained as she opened her Victoria Secret shopping bag, and showed Simone her purchase.  Then over lunch, Kate, told Simone, that she had been walking every morning, and thinking of food as fuel, and she had been doing little things to make herself happy.  She was also planning on taking some online courses and she was planning on changing careers.  Simone smiled "Well, It is sure working!, how is Wayner taking it?"  "He isn't liking it at all, I think he is a bit threatened by the change" she said sadly.  "But really, I am just being me, Simone, I have to be me, and you need to be you.  Stop being afraid to be yourself , start living authentically."

As Simone walked and sang, she thought about Katherine and the things she had told her, and how everything she had said resonated with her.  In fact, it was the reason she was out here on the path on this cold and rainy day, why she had her special little Sunday afternoon nap, and why, she wanted to hurry home to write and blog about it all.  "Maybe" she thought "God speaks through friends like Kate, just maybe, he really isn't as distant as she thinks? Maybe, he wants her to be happy?" 

Chapter 13 / Worship that Pleases God?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart

and with all your soul and with all your mind

and with all your strength.

Mark 12:30 NIV

The long awaited phone call finally arrived.  It had been over a week, and Simone had called the Car Dealership several times, only to get the finance manager's voice mail.  In her heart, she already knew that the news was not going to be good, but she had been praying and seeking God, and preparing herself for this very moment.  She knew she was not going to get the vehicle, at least not at the interest rate she had budgeted for, and she was right, and for some reason, it was ok, everything was going to be ok, despite the fact she was not going to get what she wanted.  She told the finance manager she would get back to him on her decision.

After the call ended she whispered under her breath "what now God?"  She half expected an answer, but then began to remember her "God Car", and how God had once surprised her with a car that far surpassed her expectations, but then she thought, "that was long ago, when she walked closely with God, and believed in his goodness".  So much water had passed under the bridge since then, taking her further and further away from her faith, and her relationship and trust in a good and loving God. 

"How", she thought, "could she love him with all her heart when her heart had been broken and shattered into a million little pieces, when her soul was lost, and her mind depressed and she had absolutely no energy or motivation, or passion for anything? How? How God?"  she whispered. Simone was being honest, this was how she felt, this was what she believed, this was all she had, and something deep inside her kept saying  "Give your brokenness to me, I will show you the way, I will give you hope and passion for living, trust me."

Tears streamed down Simone's cheeks, and on the surface it may have seemed as though she was crying because she did not get the car, but in fact, the tears were something far deeper, her heart, soul, and mind was crying out to God, she wanted so desperately to trust him, to believe in him, to love him, like she once did.  "God," she spoke audibly now, "Help me believe, please? I want to love you, I want so desperately to love again, and trust again, and to have passion and strength in my life once more." 

In that moment, she felt as if someone, or something had put their arms around her, and comforted her, she wiped away her tears and continued on, after all, she had a full day worth of work to do.  She decided she was going to keep on putting one foot in front of the other, keep going, and she was going to love God, with all the strength she had, even if it was not much.  Simone felt nothing more than as sense of calm, but that was better than anything else she had been feeling in a very long time.

Point to Ponder

God wants all of me.

Question to Consider

Which is more pleasing to God right now--my public worship or my private worship?  What am I going to do about it? 

I  think that God can handle my honesty, and He can heal and change my heart.  I am going to try to love him with my broken and shattered heart, my lost soul, my depressed mind, and with the little bit of strength that I have right now.  That is all I have, that is all I can do.  I am going to try and be grateful for all things. 

Chapter Twelve - Developing your Friendship with God?

"Draw close to God and God will draw close to you"  James 4:8

As Simone walked slowly through the damp grass , to the picnic table overlooking  the river, she thought about God, and how in this very favorite and familiar spot, she was going to try drawing close to Him.  The air was crisp and cool, and the tiny six week old puppy she carried shivered, so she tucked him under her red fleece jacket.  Sadie, the puppies mother, ran on ahead, sniffing the ground, and taking in all the wondrous smells and sounds of the fall morning.  It made her smile to watch Sadie, it seemed that everything this precious little white dog did warmed her heart. 

Upon arriving at her special location, she set the puppy down, and watched as it romped through the grass toward it's mother.  Sadie ducked and dodged and ran circles around the newly weaned pup, whose only concern was to be nursed.  Simone smiled as she watched for several moments the antics of mother and son, but then she turned her thoughts away to look at the the stagnant river, the trees that not long ago had been lush and green, that were now yellow and orange, and the expanse of still green grass that surrounded her.  In silence she watched a person jogging on the path, and turn the corner.  She was alone, no one was within earshot, and she felt safe to pour out her heart to God. 

Simone  spoke audibly,  and Sadie perked her ears to listen, but  then  laid down and gave into her puppy's wishes.  The the sound of geese flying overhead made her stop talking and she looked up.  "They were leaving", she thought to herself,  and as  sadness overwhelmed her she asked God why she had to stay in this God forsaken place, yet another winter?  Why could she not just be set free to follow her dreams?  What was the purpose for her being here?  She went on and on.

Her sadness overwhelmed her, and soon tears were streaming down her face.  "Oh God" she sobbed "Please help me understand, please!"  She was pleading now, and Sadie came and sat close to her, looking up with her head cocked to one side.   Simone smiled and patted her on the head, and as Sadie licked her hand,  Simone felt as if she were saying, "everything is going to be ok".  Then Simone murmured to Sadie.  "If only God was as good a friend as you are, ". 

The puppy then began nibbling at Simone's toes, so she whisked him up, and looked him in the eyes and gave him a kiss on his cute little black nose.  "It is time to go" she thought, as she put him back down, and walked back to her car, mom and pup following at her heels. 

"Everything is going to be ok" she thought, as she started the engine in her old car and continued on with her day.  "Too bad God couldn't have told me that" she thought,  then she thought again "or maybe he did"?  She smiled at Sadie, and said out loud.  "After all, DOG is GOD spelled backwards".

Is God the Friendly Giant?

Chapter Eleven in the Purpose Driven Life says God wants to be my Best Friend. Wow!


Since we were restored to friendship with God by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be delivered from eternal punishment by his life." Romans 5:10

That is shocking. I guess he wants to have a relationship with me like he had with Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. I hear Moses and Abraham were his buddies too, and David was a man after God's own heart. Also Job, Enoch and Noah were good friends. But that is Old Testament stuff. Besides, how does one be a friend of God?

Quite frankly, I am a bit overwhelmed with this thought. I imagine this really big bright guy standing over me saying "wanna be my friend" ? There I am looking up, looking way up, and feeling very intimidated and too afraid to say "no, you scare the crap out of me", so I weakly say "ok" and try to run off, but he picks me up in his really big hand and lets out a loud, deafening laugh of joy. I cringe, and fear overwhelms me. All I can say is "please be gentle with me". The big guy then pats my little head, and sets me down on the ground. I stare up at him, and wonder "what is going to happen next." Then, he gets down on the ground, all the way down so his nose is nearly touching mine, and he says, "talk to me, tell me what's on your heart". I am dumbfounded and speechless, but then the words come out. "God, I am afraid to live, I am afraid of life, I am afraid of what is going to happen next, I am afraid of you, and I don't know what you want from me.  I am also upset that I don't have the things and relationships other people do, I am angry I am alone, and I am angry I am here, and life didn't turn out better for me...why do I have to struggle so much?"

Day 10 / The Heart of Worship? Surrender?

Now I know why the last time I started working through "Purpose Driven Life", I did not get past Chapter 8.  I am really struggling with Chapter Ten.  I have been pondering on it for several days, and for several days I have also been waiting to hear back from the finance company about whether or not I have been approved for the SUV I test drove on Sunday.  Why is it taking so long? 

I called and found out the Finance Manager has been sick. Hmmmmm.  You would think a company like Toyota would have more than one guy doing loans.  Anyway, this is what I am told, but meanwhile my stress levels have been going through the ceiling. 

What on Earth and in Heaven is going on? 

Chapter Ten is about Surrender, and it begins with this verse:

"Give yourselves to God...
Surrender your whole being to him
to be used for righteous purposes."
                                                       Romans 6:13

The heart of worship is surrender, and the question to consider at the end of the chapter is "What area of my life am I holding back from God"?  I have been pondering this question for days, and one area keeps coming up and it is something "I don't want to surrender". 

Right now, I am debating with myself, whether or not I even want to admit it, to you, to myself, or to God.  However I am compelled to write about that which I have been holding in my heart for years, and can not let go of, nor, do I want to surrender.  Perhaps if I put it out there in the light, I can finally 'let it go'.

I have a plan...part of my plan includes buying a vehicle that can pull a little trailer.  So, getting this vehicle means getting one step closer to my goal, of moving back to California, and I want to do this by April of 2011.  I have purchased a California Real Estate licence course, and intend on getting my California Real Estate licence before I move back.  I have also been trying to save money.  There are several reasons why I want to move back, but at this point, the reasons, are not the issue.

So far, I have had absolutely no interest in actually doing the Real Estate Course, (no concentration) and I have not been able to save a dime.  It just seems like one thing after another keeps coming up.  Now, my chances of getting a new vehicle are looking dim too.  I want this so much, because I just hate my life where I am living.

Today I am thinking that my plan, may not be God's plan for my life, and I need to 'let it go', 'surrender it to God' and see what happens.  I am honestly not sure if I can really surrender escaping this place, but, I am willing to try.  I need God's help.

What Makes God Smile? Does God like Roses?

Maybe God smiles because my life is a JOKE?  I am kidding, because I don't honestly believe God is like that, or that God would laugh at my situation.  However, maybe I should begin laughing at my situation, instead of taking things so seriously. 

Recently, I felt like I was watching way too much TV, and it was getting in the way of other things I need to be doing like studying, like reading, like excersising, like writing, or praying or any number of things that would be more healthy and wise to do.   Now, I sublet my apartment and the owner lives upstairs.  He has been getting free cable for over five years now, and so, I have been getting that as a bonus for free.   Well just recently, it got cut off, so, to make a long story short, I am without TV, unless I want to subcribe myself and pay for it.  Now, I find that a bit interesting, could it be a coincidence?

Actually, so far, I am not minding not  having TV.  I do have internet, and I can watch a lot of things on my computer, but so far, I have just been sleeping more.  I suppose that is good, since I am so tired and lack energy.  That isn't working though, because, the more sleep I get, the more sleep I want. 

Yesterday, I decided, I must be a weed, and for some strange reason, I was content with that, and it seemed to take a lot of pressure off of me.  After all, God can't expect much from a little ol' weed, now could he?  It took so much pressure off me, that I felt light and airy.  I got dressed and went to church for the 11 a.m. service, but, due to summer hours (I have not been going all summer) there had been only one service and it ended at that time.  Well so much for lifting my little petals and praising God!

Since it was Sunday, and I was all dressed up with no place to go, I decided I would go look at cars, cheaper cars, one that might be suitable for a WEED.  I found a suitable car, and took it for a test drive, to my daughters house.  She took one look at it and said "No Mom, that is just not suitable", so without asking any other questions, because I already knew what she was thinking, I took it back and test drove another vehicle, a little less in value than the one a Great Oak would drive.  The car salesmen told me to take it as long as I wanted, so I picked up my grandaughter, and we sped around for more than an hour, listening to music, and enjoying the heated seats and air conditioning all at the same time.  I was really enjoying her company, the vehicle, and I was beginning to feel more like a ROSE.  It was a good feeling. 

Does God like Roses?  Do they make him smile?  So now I am wondering, if it is my own feelings of self worth, that are keeping me from enjoying my life, and turning my back on my own needs?  Am I loving myself less than what God loves me?  Is it me who is selling myself short?  Sitting in my comfort zone, thinking I am a weed, and not worthy of being loved, or having a few luxuries in life?  God knows that I need a new car, a safer car, one that is going to hold the road in the winter, and will be reliable due to the fact that I do travel around a lot in my car.  It would be nice to spoil myself a little, after all no one else is doing it.  But then I worry, about all the if's, and I get so sad just thinking about them.  It makes me afraid, and fear rises in my throat and chokes out my happiness, my contentment, my self love and my self worth.  Am I being silly?  Maybe God has a Purpose in me having a new car?  Maybe He knows something I don't, but one thing I do know, is this car idea, will not leave me alone.  It is in my head, and I am compelled.  Compelled by God?  Compelled by my own selfish desires?  What is compelling me?  I am not completely sure, but, I do have a desire to please God, and I can honestly say with all my heart this morning "Let Thine Will Be Done". 

Day 9

May the Lord Smile on you.

Numbers 6:25

Smile on me your Servant, teach me the right way to live.

Pslam 119:135

This chapter says that making God smile is the goal of my life, and my most important task is to discover how to do that.  Now, that is a task and a half!

In my heart I know I would please God by trusting him with knowing what is best for my life.

POINT TO PONDER

God smiles when I trust him.

VERSE TO REMEMBER

"The Lord is pleased with those who worship him and trust his love"

Psalm 147:11

QUESTION TO CONSIDER

Since God knows what is best, in what area's of my life do I need to trust him most?

Today I would say the area that I need to trust him most in, is in my finances, I can honestly say, I do not trust God in this area of my life at all!  Could this be in fact a test in Trust?