Change of Plans

Ever since Saturday Simone has been feeling achy and cold.  She is not sure whether it is the flu or the repercussions from jumping into icy water to save Sadie.  Either way, Simone has not been feeling good, and her cough and headache have been getting worse.  She has been sleeping a lot and trying to get better.  The only time she leaves the house is to go to work, which, she has to do.  No work, no pay.

Anyway, on Monday night about 11 p.m. Simone's upstairs neighbor, and landlord, put a note under the door asking for access to her suite so he could put some of his things from his garage in the crawlspace.   Now, when Simone rented the apartment, the crawlspace was to be hers, and it had also included cable TV and phone.  Recently, cable was disconnected, he never supplied a phone because he could not find the wires in the wall, and now he wanted to use the crawlspace, which was in fact, inside her closet!!

Simone was upset, mostly because she was sick, and did not want the hassle, and honestly, she did not want him putting his things in there, mostly because he would be bothering her on a regular basis to get at the stuff in there.  Plus, the stuff in the garage was sure to have mice. 

Simone told him no, explained she was sick, and that perhaps they could do it another day.  He said "ok", but then the next morning he called her for access.  Simone, mentioned the cable TV, the phone, and the fact that the crawlspace was her space, she was tired of being a doormat, and her landlord flipped out and told her she had to move.  Simone was shocked, she had not expected that.  He told her January 1.  Simone does not know what she is going to do.

When she got home from work, Simone had a note under the door, advising her she had to move no later than December 18.  Simone has a one way ticket to California leaving next Tuesday November 23, and had planned on staying for Christmas.  It seems there is a big change of plans.  Perhaps, she needs to move out before she goes to California?

Simone called her daughter, her daughter told her she could move in with her.  Perhaps God, or the Universe is making decisions for Simone, that she would not normally make herself.  OMG

Thin Ice

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On Saturday afternoon, Simone took Sadie to the dog park for a walk.  It was drizzling rain, it was cold, and the sun was hardly visible in the dark and cloudy sky.  As Simone walked, she was talking on her cell phone.  Her sister  wanted to know why Simone had not showed up for their exercise date on Wednesday.  Simone told her about how tired she has been, and her sister started telling her that she is now feeling better since she began taking Vitamin D. 

Their conversation was cut short when Simone looked around and could not see Sadie.  She had suddenly disappeared, and Simone went into panic mode.  She told her sister she would call her back and began seriously looking for her precious little white dog, who seemed to have vanished!

"Sadie!" she started shouting, and as she walked along she asked everyone if they had seen a little white dog.  No one had.  Simone thought she may have run back to the car, but when she got there, no Sadie.  Simone was getting very concerned now.  She stopped to say a short prayer for God's help.  Simone could not lose her precious pup.  Not now!

Simone heard a dog barking, actually there were probably 40 dogs barking in the park, but she could pick out Sadie's.  Simone ran back to the last place she had seen Sadie, and listened.  She heard her dog, but she could not see her.  "Sadie!  Sadie! she called, and then a little white head popped up from the lake that was frozen over.  Without thinking. and without regard for her own safety,  Simone jumped in the water up to her waist to save Sadie from going under the ice, and pulled her by her collar towards the steep bank.  Then lifted her out of the icy water.

Muddy and cold, Simone carried her shivering dog to the car, then wrapped her in a blanket  and turned up the heat as high as it could go.  She held Sadie tight.  Sadie licked her face, and her tears as they fell.  Simone was so grateful that she had found Sadie.  "Thank you God" she whispered.

Simone was very cold, and shaken to the core.  When Simone and Sadie got home.  Simone turned off her phone, changed the sheets on the bed.  Gave Sadie a hot bath, turned up the heat in the house.  Had a hot bath herself, and after two glasses of wine to calm her nerves, she and Sadie fell asleep.  They slept until Sunday morning, just in time for church.  "Why" Simone thought, "was she so tired and feeling so sad?" 
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Changes

Life's Healing Choice # 5 is Changes (The Transformation Choice)

I voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.

Seven Steps to lasting change:

1.  Focus on changing one defect at a time.
2.  Focus on victory one day at a time.
3.  Focus on God's power, not your will power.
4.  Focus on the good things, not the bad.
5.  Focus on doing good, not feeling good.
6.  Focus on people who help, not hinder you.
7.  Focus on progress, not perfection. 

Simone is feeling God moving in her life and she knows she has a lot of character defects to overcome. 

Search me, O God, and know my heart:  test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23

Simone has been fighting tooth and nail, not to allow depression to overcome her.  Today she admits this is a character defect she is powerless to overcome it on her own.  Simone is praying for God to remove this defect from her.  This is the thing she knows is in the way of her relationship with God, and with others.  Simone is actually deeply depressed, more depressed than she has ever been in her life.  "God, I see this character defect and I humbly ask you to remove it".  she prays hoping God will.

The Golden Chrysalis

  Simone can feel something within her about to erupt.  She feels she must write about the past, and the present,  to allow her future to unfold  into the "Beautiful Butterfly" it is to become.  Life and Blessings have been waiting inside her chrysalis of gold.  Simone knows she will have to 'struggle' to free herself from it. 

Thinking about her old diary and journals, about Noel, and her brother Dave with adult eyes, has allowed a certain amount of healing and forgiveness.  Simone realizes that her brother was the way he was, because of his own past of being bullied by their older brother James, and because of the abuse he too suffered at the hands of their father. 

Simone remembered a time when she found Dave hiding under his bed, shaking with fear, and begging her not to tell their drunken father where he was.   Simone thought about Noel.  He was no match for her drunken brother and his friends, just as her brother, was no match for their raging drunken father, who had broken a wine bottle at dinner, and brandished it as a weapon and threatened Dave.  He too had ran.

Simone thought about her diary and journal, and the things she had written there.  No wonder Noel had wanted her to burn them.  Simone thought about how wild her imagination was then, and how reading about those imaginary events may have affected Noel.  She thought about their age, their inexperience with dealing with emotions, and Noel's strange and possesive love for her.  Simone felt like a posession, and she wonders how much, and if any of his emotions involved real love. 
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At School Simone continued her relationship with Sam.  She knew it was wrong, but she could not tell him the truth.  Her feelings had grown strong for Sam, and she wanted to spend time with him, more than she wanted to spend time with Noel.  Simone knew she had to choose, but she was afraid of what would happen.  How would Noel react?  She imagined his anger, and that he would join forces with her brother, and beat up Sam.  Simone did not want Sam harmed. 

A few days later, at lunch time, Noel was waiting beside Simone's locker.  Simone was shocked to see him, and was expecting Sam to meet her there in just a few moments.  "I didn't have to work today" Noel said with big grin on his face.  "and my boss let me take the van home to clean it up, wanna' go for a ride?"

Noel did not wait for her reply, and he grabbed her hand.  Simone pulled away.  "What's wrong?" Noel said suspiciously as he grabbed her hand again.  "Nothing, I just can't go right now" Simone was feeling annoyed.  Noel moved closer to her and put his big arm around her shoulders, and drew her close to him.  Simone felt like she couldn't breathe, she felt like a trapped animal.  "Is it because of that Sam guy?" he asked.  "No" Simone lied.  All she could think about was escaping, and getting Noel out of her space. 

This time, Simone grabbed Noel's hand, and she was leading him out of the school and away from where she was to meet Sam.  As they rounded the corner, they ran right into him.  Sam looked shocked, hurt, and everything seemed to go into slow motion.  Noel was looking at him and back at her, and Sam was looking at their grasped hands and directly into her eyes.  She felt like he was looking for an explanation, where there was none.

Sam turned his back and began walking quickly in the opposite direction.  Simone watched as he turned the corner.

Sam never spoke to Simone again.  Simone was heart broken, but knew, it was her own fault.  Simone missed Sam, for a very long time.

The Ceremony

Strangely enough, Simone awoke on Thursday November 11, 2010 Remembrance Day, feeling light and happy.  She began to giggle, about the stories she had written in her notebook and in her diary, the ones that had come directly from those True Story Magazines she had been reading as a young girl.  The ones she had made up about Sam, when she was barely 16 years old.  The ones Noel and her brother read together.  Simone thought she would have loved to have seen the expressions on their faces back then.  They had actually thought they were true!  Simone would love to read those stories now.

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Noel burst into her room, without knocking,  There was an angry but desperate and tortured look on his face, and under his arm, was her diary and her notebooks.  He tossed them on the bed.  Simone backed away, and half expected him to hit her, but instead, he fell to his knees at her feet, sobbing and crying and begging her to forgive him. 

Simone had no idea how to deal with this outburst, it had shocked her to the core, and suddenly she was feeling sorry for Noel, and tears filled her eyes.  She went to him and patted him on the head, as he continued sobbing. 

Noel finally stopped crying, and he wrapped his arms around her and tried to kiss her.  She felt herself stiffen, and she tried to push him away.  Simone was confused.  Noel began confessing his love for her, and Simone could hardly stand his desperation.  She felt sick.    Simone did not know what to do, or what to say.  He asked her to be his girlfriend again, and Simone said "ok" when every ounce of her was wanting to escape from him.  

A few days later, Noel demanded that Simone burn her diary and notebooks, and he made a ceremony of it.  They headed down to the river, gathered wood,  built a huge fire, and Noel made Simone toss her stories into the fire.  Simone felt as if she had tossed away a piece of her life that day.  She watched as they burned, and saw the satisfied look upon Noel's face.

He turned to her then, a smug look on his face.  "You are a bitch" he said coldly.  Simone looked away.  She did not want to tell him the stories were not true, she wanted him to believe the lies she had written there.  It gave her some sort of sick satisfaction.

Noel never let Simone forget what she had done. 

The House Cleaning Choice - Part Two- The Diary

After doing the exercise on the sheet of paper,  Simone was in a terrible state.  She was not functioning at all, and the scene from her past kept rolling around and around in her head, almost as if it had just happened yesterday.  The more she tried to dismiss it, the more real it became, emotions from the past flooding over her, making her feel like she couldn't breathe.

Question 4  Looking back over my life, what ongoing effect might this event and the person who hurt me have had on my life?

She tried to focus on her day, and what she had to do, but it became impossible, so she took Sadie and headed off on a walk.  It was bright and sunny day.  It was chilly, and fallen leaves crunched under her feet.  She watched in awe as hundreds of geese flew overhead in unison, honking, and heading to a warmer climate.  She couldn't envy them anymore, because in a few days she was going south too.  She wondered why that worried her so much. 

Simone wrote: 

Simone remembered how after the episode with the 1959 Mercury,  Noel had started hanging out with her brother Dave.  Simone had thought it very strange, and wondered why Noel would befriend someone who had treated them that way.  She did not understand it at all.  Noel started coming to the house with her brother, and Simone was extremely annoyed.  She spent most of her time in her room, avoiding  them.  

During that time, she read books, wrote stories, and drew pictures.  In her diary, she wrote about a growing crush she had on a boy at school named Sam.    In her room, and at School was the only place Simone could be without Noel or her brother invading her privacy, and she was glad that Noel had quit going to her school, and started trade school. 

Sam was in most of her classes, and always walked with her and carried her books.  Sam was shorter than Noel, he was tanned from working on his dad's farm all summer, and very strong and muscular looking, he had brown hair with blonde streaks, and a soft and kind face.   His eyes lit up when he saw her.  Simone knew he was shy.   Sam wanted to know everything about her.  Simone was very guarded, and thought that if he found out about her real life, he would not like her.  Soon, she opened up, and began weaving lies, and telling tales about a life she could only imagine.  

He asked her to date him, but she made up a story about having a strict father who did not allow her to date, (she did not even have a father who cared) but really, she was afraid her brother and Noel would find out about Sam and spoil everything.  So, she kept their relationship a secret, and at school only, and dreamed about him at night, and wrote about him everyday in her diary.  Most of the things she wrote about were made up, they were fantasies.  Like the True Story magazines, she had become addicted to.  She loved the romantic short stories, and thought one day she could write for a magazine.

Then one day, her diary and all her notebooks with her stories in them were gone, missing from the spot under her mattress where she kept them.  Simone was furious.  She suspected it was either her brother Dave or Noel.   Simone felt  her privacy was being violated.  She began to feel exposed, for she had written things in her diary and notebooks, that were very personal and private, and not exactly true.  Her heart pounded.

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Simone's heart was pounding as she walked Sadie too just thinking about this.  She was angry now, thinking of what happened next, but she dismissed this thinking and tried to get on with her day.  This was all so long ago, and Simone did not want to go back to think about that time in her life.  Hadn't she already dealt with these emotions.  Why was she feeling as if it was happening all over again?  The wierd thing was, Simone had never really thought these things had affected her, but she realized after that she stopped writing and dreaming about being a famous writer.  In fact, during that time Simone now realized that she had given up on herself and life, without actually saying so. 

Question 5 Is there any part of what happened then that I need to take some responsibility for?_______________________________________________________________________________
Simone's phone rang.  It was her son William from California,  he was in town visiting his girlfriend.  She knew he was calling her to go have lunch with him, but Simone was in an emotional state.  She called him back and explained she was working, and couldn't get away today.  Simone was lying.  Simone was having a hard time controlling the emotions she was feeling and after she hung up the phone she burst into tears.  "Oh God" she sobbed.  "Help me get through this".  Simone realized she had lied to her son.  She hated lies, she hated lying, and she was doing it.  Simone was disgusted with herself.

Question 6  Have I ever turned this memory/pain over to God?

Simone supposed she just did.

Coming Clean - The House Cleaning Choice

Simone is finally excited about attending church, and each week she feels God is speaking to her through the sermons.  This week, they had a special guest speaker and the topic was Life's Healing Choice # 4 which is Coming Clean - The House Cleaning Choice

Physically, Simone would say she really needs this, as her surroundings have become cluttered, like the thoughts have been cluttering up in her head.  However the sermon was more about coming clean about the deep dark secrets in your life, the things that have hurt you deeply that you keep locked up inside you. 

Lately Simone has been thinking about why she is so opposed to drinking alcohol, and why she detests being around men who drink excessively, and why she is so fearful of men in general.  She is sure it stems from her drunk and abusive father.  But there was more...

At the end of the sermon, the speaker handed out a sheet of paper to everyone, and on it they were to carve out 20 minutes to be alone, free of distraction.  Then honestly and as specifically as possible answer the questions presented.

1.  During your teen years, a specific event/interaction/discussion where you were significantly hurt by another person/s: 

 Simone wrote this:

Simone's ex husband Noel, was Simone's very first boyfriend.  They dated through her Jr.High  and High School years, and spent a lot of time together planning their future.  In looking back now, Simone would probably say they were actually planning his future, which she supposed may have included her, however, she never really saw herself being married to him, or having his children.  Simone was not in love with Noel, in fact, she had no idea what that even meant, after all, she was only fifteen years old.  Noel confessed his love to her all the time, but, Simone remained aloof, and when he asked if she loved him, she would tell him no.   She mostly thought of Noel as a best friend, or perhaps even a big brother. 

He never pushed her to sleep with him, but she did enjoy being close to him, kissing him, and being caressed.  She enjoyed holding his hand, and listening to all his grandiose plans.  She also thought he was very handsome.  She loved his muscular build, the way he smelled, and the way she felt safe when they were together.  Noel often bought her gifts, but most of the time they were things Simone did not want, especially clothes.  Even Simones mother did not think it right that Noel buy her clothing. 

Feeling safe with him ended rather quickly, on a warm August summer night, when Simone and Noel, were necking  in the back seat of her brother Dave's old 1959 Mercury convertible.  It was parked in the back yard because it was not running and her brother did not have the money to fix it.  The top was down, it was dark, and neither of them were suspecting that  her brother Dave and a couple of his friends were sneaking up on them. 

Simone's brother was four years older than her, and had a reputation for having a temper, being a bit of a bully and a tough guy.  Dave and his buddies loved to fight and Simone had seen his face swollen and bloody, and once had watched him having to drink his food from a straw because he had a broken jaw.  Dave was over six feet tall, muscular, angry because his girlfriend had just dumped him, and on that particular night, he and his friends had been drinking.

They dragged the two of them from the car like they were a couple of rag dolls, and Dave started calling Simone terrible names, and pushing Noel around and demanding he explain what they were doing in his car.   Noel said nothing, he just stood there, dumbfounded, as did her brother's two friends.    Simone grew angry at the assault, and thinking Noel would surely come to his senses and defend her, she began  using a few choice words of her own.

Dave slapped her across the face and sent her reeling.  She got up quickly and flung herself at him scratching and biting and flailing her arms,   He slapped her again, and then kicked her.  Noel did nothing.  Simone looked at Noel  in disbelief, and she saw his twisted expression and the fear on his face.  Fear began to overwhelm her too. 

Then Noel ran.  Her brother and his friends chased him a short way, then began to laugh at him and taunt him, they were calling him a coward among other things.   Simone began limping  toward the house, her lip and nose bleeding and her shins bruised.  Her brother shouted after her, still calling her names.  Simone kept walking not really caring what he was saying.  She was used to physical abuse and name calling. 

Question (2)  The person you came to resent or fear as a result of this experience was?

Simone wrote:

She loathed  all of them, especially Noel.  It was  months before Simone would talk to Noel again.

The next day, her brother, told her he was sorry, and explained that he was drunk, and upset about his girlfriend.  He said "I was trying to protect you."  Simone said "ok", even though it wasn't ok at all, "what kind of protection was that?" she murmured to herself, and then she asked him to keep Noel away from her. 

Simone refused to take Noel's calls.  She avoided her brother, and hardly spoke to him either.

Dave threatened Noel when he showed up at her door, and followed Noel around, for a few days, reminding him Simone was off limits.   Noel finally got the message.  Simone always resented him for not at least trying to stand up to her brother.  She hated her brother, but she had hated him for as long as she could remember. He had bullied her all of her life. 

Question 3.  At that time, how did their actions, words or behaviours, affect and hurt you. 

Simone wrote:

Simone was angry,  she felt unworthy, bullied, she felt she had done something terribly wrong, and succumbed to thinking she was the things her brother had called her.  But mostly she never felt safe, and deep inside her there was a hatred growing towards men.  She would never forgive either of them.  Unforgiveness and bitterness had also taken root.

Question 4.  Looking back over my life, what ongoing effect might this event and the person who hurt me have had on my life?

Simone was shocked at the emotions that arose in her after she wrote about this event.  It was not even one of the worst things that happened to her during her teens.

To be continued