Time to "Get a Grip"

Simone is weary.  Her body aches, her head aches, her lungs are congested, her thoughts are putrid, and she realizes she is sick.  She confesses being physically sick, emotionally sick, and worst of all spiritually almost dead.  But somewhere inside her there is still a spark of 'hope'.

This was not a good week, especially in regard to her health, but somethings happened that have fanned the spark in her.  She missed church on Sunday, since she had been at the lake, and was a bit concerned since they are doing a series on "Life's Healing Choices", and Simone really wanted to attend.  She felt in her heart this was an answer to prayer and that God was going to speak to her, in fact, he already had. 

The first healing choice, was to admit that she needed help.  "God certainly knows I need that!"  Simone agreed wholeheartedly, and she had signed up to join a small group of believers about two weeks ago.  The idea of the small group was to meet together to do further study and pray for one another.  However, no one called.

Something happened that made Simone think she may lose her job, and she was trying hard not to jump to conclusions.  Her thinking was never positive when she was not feeling well, so she decided not to react, but to try a bit harder in that area.  She also decided not to make any major decisions until she began feeling better. 

On Thursday, while Simone was walking Sadie, she ran into an old friend from church whom she had seen there the last few weeks, but she dashed off each time before they could talk.  The thought had crossed her mind that Julie was actually avoiding her.  This time Julie was certainly not avoiding her, and as they walked the dogs, she invited Simone to come to the Small Group she was attending that evening.  "I'll pick you up at 6:30" Julie said as she got in her car.  Simone was actually quite excited, and that evening she met with 9 other ladies from church.  Afterward, she and Julie went and had a coffee and chatted.  That evening, she learned what the second healing choice was, "Accept God's offer for help"!

"Admitting need for help, and accepting God's offer for help, sounded pretty simplistic" thought Simone.  She believed she could do that, and so that evening she prayed exactly that.  "I am open to whatever help you bring God" Simone whispered sincerely.

On Friday, even though she was still not feeling well, she did her work, stopped by to rent a few movies and went home to spend a restful and quiet evening.  As she watched one of the movies, she began to cry like a baby.  She had not suspected for one moment what the movie she rented was about, but something in it's content hit her deeply.  It was called "To Save a Life" .  God had spoken loud and clear!

It is Saturday, and Simone is supposed to attend a Halloween Party tonight.  She does not like this holiday much, she never really has.  This morning she is supposed to go over to her sister's house to go through her costumes and find something to wear.  Simone is reluctant, but it is a family event, and everyone is expecting her to attend.  Simone wishes she felt better.  "Maybe" she thinks "I should just stay home and take care of myself and get better"?  or "Maybe she should pray about it"? 

As she prayed the thought entered her mind "Don't be Judgemental."  then the phone rang.  A name came up on the screen.  It was the guy from the lake.  She didn't answer the phone.  Ugh!  "What is wrong with me!?" Simone whispered under her breath.

Choices and "What if?"

Since the weekend at the Lake, Simone has felt chilled to the bone.  Her back and head has been aching, and she just can not  get warm.  This morning her chest was congested and it was extremely hard to breathe, and all she wanted to do was sleep but she had to get up and move around.  She had work to do, and it seemed to her, it was even more painful to lie in bed. 

As she sipped her morning coffee, she turned on the little space heater, near where she was sitting in front of her computer.  The heat from her cup and the heat from the heater eased her pain.  She began reading emails, and blogs, and started a new post of her own.

Nothing much had happened in recent days.  The guy at the lake had not called either, so her fear had subsided.  There was snow on the ground outside, although the roads were not slippery.  On Monday, she had made an appointment to get new tires on her car,  that was top priority, since she had noticed how little tread was left on them.  She had feared getting a blowout for weeks now, it was a constant thought in her mind whenever she was driving, and the thought of the coming ice, struck her with fear.  Bald tires and ice, did not mix well.

Work was slow, and with her job, Simone did not get paid unless she was actually working, and so another thing that was heavy on her mind was finding a job with more security and benefits.  "What if she got sick" she pondered , mostly because she was not feeling well, "how would she pay her bills, her rent?"

Simone had no other income.  "How would she live?"  Her health was very important to her, and so far it had held up.  Simone rarely got sick, but she was getting older, and she really needed to think about her future.  This morning, "what ifs" were filling her mind, but she knew that getting depressed about it was not going to change anything.

"God had always provided" she thought, and he had, but lately her faith has not been  strong, she has doubts, and fears, and a sense of impending doom.  She hoped God was still with her, somewhere deep inside she believed he would never leave her or forsake her, but Simone was not simple enough to believe that she didn't have to do something.  She had to do something to change her situation, but she was not quite sure what to do.

The other day, her 'daughter in law' had invited her to come to California for Thanksgiving, and she even offered to pay for part of her air fare.  This too had been heavy on her mind.  She really wanted to see her grandchildren, and get out of the cold, but she was afraid she could not afford to lose a couple of weeks of work, even if it was slow, and she was not really getting in many hours, because that would put her behind in her bills, and she had to put those tires on her car, they couldn't wait.

Simone knew decision time was coming, and that she had to choose.  Choices were hard for her, but the thought of a few weeks of sunshine and her grandchildren , were making her choice slant West.  Love was winning out over responsibility.  But, inside her the struggle continued.  "What if" she thought.

The Last Ta Da! At the Lake

As Simone, sat contentedly, beside the roaring camp fire, she looked up at the stark naked trees, felt the cold on her back, and realized that fall was gone and winter was falling down all around her.  Yes, it was snowing, and this would be the last time she would sit with friends and family around the open fire, chatting, reminiscing, and enjoying one anther's company, at least in this way. 

Since she was trying to stay positive, and live in the moment, she did not ramble off into the future, but , watched as the dogs, chased one another up the steep bank and back down again into the den they had dug.  One of them would get to the entrance first and fight off the rest to maintain possession of it.  Then, they would all run off again until one would turn back toward the den.  Her little white dog Sadie, was covered in sand, but she was loving every moment, and seemed to be the one who maintained control most often.  It made Simone laugh, as she was, the smallest, and Simone was sure, the smartest.

Someone threw more wood on the campfire and it blazed hot and bright, and Simone felt the blast of heat and backed up her chair, then turned her back to the fire to warm herself.  Her sister's beautiful new fifth wheel, was right in full view and she began to coveted it.  "That's what I want" she whispered under her breath "I could live very comfortably in something like that, especially in a warm climate".  It was making her sad to think about being a have not, so she turned back toward the campfire.

Simone tucked her dream away deep inside her, and then someone poured her a cup of hot coffee, and she was back in the moment, enjoying the company, the heat, and that amazing cup of campfire coffee.  In that moment, all was well, she was content and happy, and one of the neighbors had stopped by to visit.

He was about her age, single(so she was told), quiet, and for some strange reason every time she looked up he was gazing at her.  Simone was flattered, but it also made her very nervous.  He was not handsome, nor the type she would normally be attracted to, but there was something about him.  Fear was slowly but surely rising within her, and she suddenly felt the urge to run.  Simone fought the urge, and began questioning her own thinking processes, she could not quite grasp what was going on inside her, then, she excused herself and went to bed.  It was only 9 pm, but she had to escape. 

Once alone with her thoughts, she realized how silly she had been, but what was it in her that had caused such a strong emotion of fear?  She was too exhausted from all the fresh air, the sudden emotional outburst, and she fell asleep quickly.

The next morning, she tumbled from bed, put on some warm clothes, and went outside to the warm herself by the fire since there was no heat in the fifth wheel all night.  It seemed the propane tank was empty.  Her hair was standing up on end, she smelled like smoke, and felt like doggie doo doo.  "Oh my God" she thought as she approached her sister and her husband who were up before the sun, drinking coffee, "Here he comes again!"  This time she pulled her hoody over her tousled hair and huddled by the fire.  She didn't look at him.  For some reason she was a bit angry, and wondered why he was invading her privacy.  She wished he would leave.  He didn't and ended up staying for breakfast. 

Before she left to go home that day, he asked her for her phone number and wondered if they could have coffee sometime?  This was not in her plan she thought, as she said "Yes, that would be nice" and as she wondered who had spoken those words, she was giving him her number. 

As she drove home she convinced herself, she was not going to answer the phone if he called.  After all, she wouldn't be going up to the lake again this year, as everyone had been busy closing things up for the winter, and this was the last ta da.  "Yes", she thought, "she could easily avoid him".

"It's All in Your Mind?"

The mornings are dark and cold now, and Simone is finding it harder and harder to get out of bed.  This morning she awoke long before the sun came up and stewed in a broth of putrid thoughts.  Around and around they stirred in her head, making her feel tired despite the hours of sleep she'd had.  She had even retired early the evening before, because she was exhausted even then. 

The brick wall in front of her seemed more ominous than ever this morning, and it seemed that all of her chipping away at it the past week or so had come to naught.  "Trying harder, just was not working" Simone reasoned, as she thought about how she had tried so hard to lose weight, to get fit, to eat right, to do better at her job, to save money, to do good, to go to church, to say and do all the right things.  "Exhausting!" she sighed, as she rolled out of bed and started her morning coffee, and grabbed the new book she had bought the day before.  It was right beside the "Purpose Driven Life" on the shelf, and for just a moment she almost chose it instead.

As the smell of freshly brewed coffee filled her nostrils, some of her putrid thinking escaped her mind, and as she cozies up in her favorite chair with the new cup that said "Reinvent" on it, a gift from her daughter, and her book, she suddenly realized she had a really bad attitude toward life.  It was her thinking that was keeping her captive, and she began to read the Introduction, and the words upon the page struck her like a lightening bolt.

"It's All in Your Mind

Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. 

If you continue to believe as you have always believed.

you will continue to act as you have always acted.

If you continue to act as you have always acted,

you will continue to get what you have always gotten.

If you want different results in your life or your work,

all you have to do is change your mind."

                                                                         --Anonymous

She had been praying that God would speak to her, and as she read, her spirit stirred within...and suddenly part of a bible verse came to mind  "take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" and she realized she needed to think about what she was thinking about.

"I would love to change my mind" she mused "but how?"  For as long as Simone could remember, she had bad thoughts, defeating thoughts, putrid thinking, but somehow it had never occurred to her, as it did in this moment that it was affecting her life, keeping her captive and in a terrible and unbearable rut.  Her thinking was in fact the brick wall she had been trying to break through physically, emotionally and spiritually, and it was her mind..."the brick wall is my own mind"

The days have been passing so quickly, nothing in one day stands out from the rest.  Hopelessness and lonliness have settled over Simone like a familiar blanket.  The thought of another long winter in this 'god forsaken' land is fore front in her weary mind.   Even though recent days have been mild and warm, the air filled with fragrance,  the trees colorful, and the ground covered with a carpet of red and yellow, she can think of nothing else but escaping. 

Envy fills her heavy heart as she listens to the joyful honking, of the geese flying in unison above, headed south.  "I wish I were brave" she whispers to herself,  "I would leave this pointless life behind and fly away into the future.  Yes, that is what I would do." 

"If I were brave" she ponders the thought. and remembers how brave she had been in her past, and how she had taken her young son, a few of their belongings, and boarded a bus, heading toward California, to gather her children, like a hen gathers her chicks, but then, God was her friend  then and she was sure He was walking close beside her.  She could do anything , knowing the one who held her future was there by her side.  There was also unconditional love in her heart, strong passionate love leading the way, but passion and that kind of love is no where within her now.  She feels old and spent, empty and without motivation, and worst of all her heart is void. 

It has been days since Simone thought about her blog, or the Purpose Driven Life, and it was days ago, that she left herself, and walked on just an empty shell of a being, trying to make sense of it all, she had been tired of the pain of the past and the feeling of being cornered.  Today, she realized, she could not take another step toward nothingness. 

It was time to return to herself again, to God, and to allow herself to feel the pain of disappointment, of loss, and of feeling.   Simone suddenly realized the brick wall in front of her might be a test and it had to be penetrated for it was 'smack dab' in the way of everything the future had for her!  She would need all the help she could get, all the strength, courage and  passion she could find, and all the love she could muster up to break through it and get to the other side.  Something very deep, near the essence of her being, was not allowing her to give up, as much as she wanted to, for Simone was very tired. 

There had to be a way out, and in this moment, something in her was determined to find it, while everything else in and around her wanted to be content in this place and just lay down and surrender to the path of least resistance.  "Yes" she thought, "It would be easy to give up now, but that would mean a slow and sure death.  I must fight!"  She knew it was her only hope. 

Simone picked up the book once more, and assumed she must be on Chapter 15, which is "Formed for God's Family" she didn't read the chapter, but dressed quickly and darkened the door of the 11 a.m. church service.