Oh, Just Another Little Disappointment

Simone thought the new Nissan Sentra suited her, and when she drove it she felt a sense of pride and ease.  After all it was automatic, and she had no shifting and clutching to do, which was something she had decided caused her right knee to ache, especially when she had to drive long distances. 

"Doesn't God see how happy I am driving this car?" she thought, as she turned into the Car Rental lot.  Today, she was returning the Sentra and picking up her old car.  It was still early and dark outside and rain was pouring down, the windshield wipers keeping time with the music playing on the radio.  A sense of sadness overcame her, and silently she prayed.  "Thankyou God, for the time I had driving this car, and even though I don't understand, it has been a good experience, and I know in my heart there is a purpose for all things". 

Simone gathered her belongings from the car, and handed over the keys, surprised by the numbness she felt and the fake smile on her face, she complimented the employee, "Thanks, it was a pleasure driving that car".  "Yes" smiled the woman behind the counter and computer "everyone seems to like those cars, and they are also very good on gas".  Simone nodded her head in agreement. 

Within moments it seemed she was shuttled to the Autobody shop and to her old car.  The rain was still pouring down, and she thought about her windshield wipers that needed to be replaced, and her long drive she had that morning.  "Great" she sighed "Just Great".  Then she remembered she was trying to be thankful for all things.  "Thanks God", she said with a bit of sarcasm in her voice.  "Really God, I am honestly not happy about this, but I am thankful for a car to drive, even if it is this old rattletrap that sure does not have that new car smell!"  She wasn't fooling anyone, Simone was disappointed, but then, disappointment had become so familiar to her that she hardly even noticed it.   "Onward Forward" she whispered under her breath. 

Simone is not sure of the reason, but for days now she has not picked up "Purpose Driven Life", and she has no desire to read her bible,  or go to church.  She wonders if she is angry at God, she wonders if she is truly thankful, and she is sure her prayers are  just words, that she thinks God would want to hear.  Her heart feels cold, and at times she even doubts  the existence of God.  She feels no love for him, or for herself, let alone real love for anyone else.  She is still so empty.